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To purchase either a house or a business is the question

NorahFSH 1  
Feb 10, 2017   #1
This is my first essay, I hope I find someone correct it for me.

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

being a boss in your own house

In most countries, owning a house come with taxes and other money related problems. Thus, for most people earning money is the number one priority in their lives. Starting a business is the best choice to them. In our country Saudi Arabia, we don't have these problems. We don't have any taxes for anything and can easily purchase anything without worrying about financial problems related to it. For me, having a house is much more important than having my own business for several reasons.

First, owning a house add a sense of stability and comfort in person's life. For me, I can have pets, backyard for my children to play, our own garage, storage space.. etc.

The ability to be my own boss in my own house is priceless. Living in an apartment in building - either owned or rent- don't give me much of freedom. For example, I live in an owned apartment and I really regret not buying a house when I had the chance. Am having problems with storages and space although when me and my husband bought it we thought it was spacious. My daughter don't have much space for playing, and we usually combat with our neighbors for car parking! Having a house will solve all these problems and when new one pops up it can be easily sorted out.

Second, buying a house will affect the person or family income. He or she won't be worried about rent by the end of the every month or year. In addition, he/she will save more money in the long run as they stopped paying rent. From my experience, owning the place we live in is an advantage in our lives.

The amount of money we used to spend in rent is now spent in more important things, or it can be saved to build a business.

Last, living in an apartment means you have to deal with building supper or neighbor complaints for anything. In the other hand, if you have a house you will not be subject to all of this. Right now, we pay a fee every month for building services and maintains though we own the apartment, but nothing is free these days. Most of the rent money we thought we can use it was spent on different kind of fees.

In summary, buying a house will give you piece of mind. It actually will help you save more money. Moreover you will leave a good asset to your children as a property has price. So it is a good investment for the present and the future

ainunazwaria 5  
Feb 10, 2017   #2
Hai @NorahFSH.

First of all, if you are writing for IELTS, then your essay is too long. You are only allowed to write about 250-275 words in IELTS Writing task 2.

Then, it seems that your first paragraph which supposed to be the introduction and overall statement is not cohesive with the given task/question.

I suggest you to make your first paragraph be more concisely yet precisely defined. Then, you should lessen additional information such as "Right now, we pay a fee every month for building services and maintains though we own the apartment, but nothing is free these days" which is not too necessary to mention in the body paragraph. Try to make your essay sound more academically so it does not seem like the daily journal.

Thankyou, I hope it can be useful!
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 309  
Feb 10, 2017   #3
At first glance, your essay seems a bit messy due to unequal portion of each paragraph. Some of your paragraphs are acceptable and some of them are not. Any kinds of essay needs to have at least three sentences for each paragraph. If you take a closer look on IELTS / TOEFL reading passage, there is no paragraph that has less than 3 sentences. Thus, my suggestion is that you need to add some sentences or possibly combine a paragraph(s) that is(are) too short. That's why it is also important to mention the words limit (if it is available).

In addition, if this is an academic essay, the usage of contraction(s) are not allowed. You have written some of them in this essay and it needs to be altered. Yet, this is not an academic essay, you can ignore this suggestion. Moreover, I also found some lexical resources that improperly used and placed within the essay. For instance, you need to differentiate between 'piece of mind' and 'peace of mind'. Then, what is the meaning of 'supper'? I reckon it was a 'late dinner' if I'm not mistaken. I've tried to look up in Cambridge English dictionary and found nothing but 'late dinner'.

Let me know if you have revise the whole content and I will give you further comments. Hope this helps :)
Holt [Contributor] 1505  
Feb 10, 2017   #4
Norah, you have approached this essay as a casually written narrative rather than an academic piece. Regardless of what type of test you wrote this practice essay for, the fact that you decided to use such a relaxed form of writing creates a problem for this essay. For example, you use the term etc. and also an exclamation point in the essay. That is really disrespectful to the examiner and will result in a lower score in terms of grammar accuracy. Make sure to always keep the academic tone in your writing and do not write more than a 5 paragraph essay that is composed of 3-5 sentences each. The way you wrote this, it is almost as if you were just writing for an English class. Don't make these mistakes with your succeeding practice tests because if you get used to it, you will most likely do it in the actual test. Which can result in your failing the test you hoped to pass through these practice tests.
okorobiadimma14 50  
Feb 10, 2017   #5
Nora, IELTS task 2 is an essay that requires technical and not mechanical approach. Considering that applying for the test require a huge some of money, you need to give it your best so as to avoid the risk of not meeting the TESOL requirement of your institution or organisation, thus spending unnecessarily for several sittings. If you are careless during drafting your essay, it will reflect in your overall score.

Basically, in the task 2 of writing component of IELTS, you only 3 to 4 paragraphs to drive home your points. Remember, you have a very limited time and must write at least 250 words. The 1st paragraph is usually the introductory paragraph where introduce the ideas or points you hope to develop in next 2 to 3 paragraphs. The last paragraphs is the concluding paragraph where summarize the points mentioned previously. each paragraph must start with a topic sentence which later explained in the next 2 to 3 sentences. Transition words, synonyms, proper punctuation, and phrasal verbs will enhance coherence and cohesiveness of your essay. Constant practice will help in making your write-up better. Remember, it is more technical than your class essay.

I hope to see an improved essay in your next post.
OP NorahFSH 1  
Feb 12, 2017   #6
Thank you all for your response, as I said this is my first time trying .
I read a lot of tips and examples and thought I can write! clearly I can't. For the paragraph, I forget to join them :')

I have no idea what academic essay is all about, sadly I don't know how to write one in my own native language.
I've tried TOEFL before and I get 17/30 in writing!! that was bad. I will keep trying hope I get better.

Again Thank You Guys so much
Holt [Contributor] 1505  
Feb 12, 2017   #7
Hi Norah, don't worry about it. We are happy that you are practicing here and you value the advice we give you. Can you tell us what kind of English test you plan to take in the future? In order to make sure you can pass that test, you should write essays that have topics based on the type of test that you will be taking. You will also be able to read the work of the other test takers here and learn from the advice given to them. That is how you can slowly, but surely, improve your writing skills. You have to focus on two things at the start. First, make sure that you understand the topic for discussion. Second, practice your paraphrasing of the topic and instructions. These are all in the first paragraph of the essay. Once you can properly develop the first paragraph, you will be able to easily write the rest of the essay. Again,it would be best if we knew what exam you are preparing for. Also, you should read the other sample essays of the students here so that you have a reference regarding how to best develop your response essays.
Feb 15, 2017   #8
Hi Norah,

Even I am in the same boat. This forum is really good, we can definitely improve our English.
In the formal essay, we are not supposed to use contractions.

My daughter don't do not have much space for playing


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