Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Pushed by eager mother to enter sports clubs because it builds 'character'. Competition or fun?


kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Feb 11, 2015   #1
Hello everyone, this is a TOEFL essay;
I must admit, the example in the second paragraph is a complete lie;;; I was running out of time and I thought it would work. Let me know if there are better examples suited for the details. Thanks in advance!

Agree or disagree?
Children should play sports for fun rather than for competition.


Have you ever been pushed by your eager mother to enter sports clubs because it builds your 'character'? I was forced to participate in various sports clubs when I was young. Back then, I detested it since I participated without my volition, but now I thank these experiences for teaching me how life is a competition and those who emerge victorious prevails. This is why I disagree with the statement children should play sports for entertainment instead of competing.

Most people think being a child is all fun and games. Although it may seem so on the outside perspective, with deeper thought, every game, action, or pastime children do are all related with a moral or life lesson. Playing sports is one of them. Sports, whether played with team or against a single individual, is a competition that measures player's determination and fervor. Thus, it is no surprise that some players might surpass their limits in order to emerge victorious over their rivals. Such motivation and opportunity to surpass oneself is a priceless feeling that can lead to courage, leadership, and self-confidence. Personally, I played badminton against my older brother when I was young. After several rounds of losing pathetically, I vowed myself that I would one day defeat my brother not because I lost, but because I wanted to show him my passion and determination. Even after weeks of vigorous playing, I was never able to defeat my brother. Nevertheless, he was impressed by my performance and acknowledged me for my effort. This respect in turn, allowed me to respect myself for fighting so furiously. In effect, this experience changed me to give everything I have at whatever I am doing. As anyone can see, playing sports as a competition reveals one's own hidden potential which can lead to self-respect and confidence. This is why I think sports should be played for competing against not merely to have fun.

On the contrary, if sports were played for entertainment rather than for competition, most children will only goof off during practice. Many parents or the coach wouldn't mind, after all, children goof around all the time, but they do not realize the danger of this action. Children mature alongside the experiences they created. The experience of lazing around during practice because they primarily think that sports is for fun could change their entire lives. Most of these aforementioned children would most likely slack off as they grow up. They would think everything in life is a jest, a jocular game that merely entertains just like the sports practices they inertly spent back when they were young. This is disastrous to the society because not only does it produce inefficient employees, but also difficult for leaders or government to lead these people to a better cause. For To provide a personal example, I know a friend who participated in a basketball club who only joined because his best buddies were there as well. Obviously, he joked around and ignored the instructor's orders continuously. Not surprisingly, as he grew up, he ignored his responsibilities and laughed off everything others considered critical and serious. To have a generation full of immature people like him is horrendous for it would completely destroy society as we know it. Therefore, I completely assert that sports should be played for competition.

To summarize, sports should be played for competitions because by doing so enhances confidence and diligence to children who will in turn grow to dependable people which in turn will benefit the society.

(587)

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Feb 11, 2015   #2
Very interesting introduction, but there is an issue with the introductions you write. There are lots of details in them, so I don't need to read the rest of the essay. And introduction needs "blueprint" too, which is lacking in this introduction.

Sports, whethereitherplayed with teamteam or against a single individual interactive/individual ones

Sports, whether played with team or against a single individual, is a competition that measures player's determination and fervor

sports is plural while you wrote the whole sentence for a singular subject. Not sure if it is correct

Thus, it is no surprise that some players might surpass their limits in order to emerge victorious over their rivals.

suprise is noun and you cannot use it as an adjective. I would say "there is no doubt about ...", "undoubtedly ..."

but because I wanted to show him my passion anddetermination (repetition). You could change the structure of the sentence to avoid the repetion. For example "but I wanted to prove it to myself that I can make something impossible, possible by working hard and perseverance ".

This is why I think sports should be played

dont repeat this sentence. In fact it is not necessary to write this at the end of the fist body paragraph.

goof off

not sure if it is a good idea to use this term as it is informal. you could say "they would not take the sport serious, preventing them from being benefited by proper exercising"

Many parents or the coachs wouldn'tnot mind, after all, children goof around all the time, but they do not realize the danger of this action.

To give you some ideas as you asked for, I would say doing a competitive sport would provide you with a chance to practice how overcome stress-induced tasks, especially by doing individuals sports. I had been in such situation and I needed to learn how to get over the stress and concentrate on my job as an athlete. Second, engaging in competitions will give you a world of opportunities to extend your social life. How? well, competitions means travelling to different parts of your county, if you do it in national level, or to other countries, if it is done in international level. In this way, you can make more friends from different regions of your countries or all around the world. If you talk to Olympians the first privilege they point out about being an athlete is that they have friends in any spots of the world.

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad


Home / Writing Feedback / Pushed by eager mother to enter sports clubs because it builds 'character'. Competition or fun?