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The question is whether the motherhood is essential in raising children. IELTS Writing task 2

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up"

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

both parents should devote their time to children

Many people have contrasting views about where mother or father should pay much their attention to grow their children than the other side. While mother plays an important role in bringing kids up in most of the traditional families, I do believe fatherhood is as vital as motherhood, especially in terms of equality in sharing works and knowledge they can both bring to their children.

To commence with, the definition of "family" has been changed over the time and recently father and mother should share their works with each other to convey the idea of equality to their kids at his or her very first stage. In my judgment, men are no longer breadwinner of the family in modern times, women can also earn money for additional expenses of their babies. On the other hand, men should also take care of housework besides their wives such as play with their children, spend time feeding babies, etc. It is likely that the children will feel the balance of acquiring care from both mom and dad.

Not only is sharing works a positive way to do their children good, but knowledge and experience they can teach their babies are crucial as well. As men and women often have different views about some specific problems, their point of view somehow takes great effect on their children's thinking. That the way mother and father give their knowledge to their children in distinctive aspects of things can trigger their kids to broaden his or her mind to a practical problem so that they can evaluate issues more objectively.

In conclusion, although many people still put this problem on top of deciding whether motherhood is essential in raising children and vice versa.
Nowadays, in many families, many mothers become a breadwinner in finance and their husbands take the time to take after their kids so the space of earning money for families and doing chores is much closer than ever. To help children develop in a proper and comprehensive way, both parents need to devote their time to children's progress.

(342 words)

Jul 16, 2017   #2
Khoa, you need a sense of clarity and prompt adherence in your opening statement. While you did make a convincing paraphrase of the original prompt, the instruction regarding the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the statement is not really clear. A clearer version of this opening statement can be found below:

While women have the final decision as to whether or not to have babies, I do not believe they alone have the right to raise the child. Other people believe that the presence of a father in a child's life is also important. So fatherhood carries equal weight when it comes to raising the child. Based upon several reasons that I will be presenting in this essay, I hope to convey the extent of my agreement with those people who believe that fatherhood is just as important as motherhood.

Your simple English sentences manage to get your point across to the reader. That is good work on your part. However, you have a tendency to write in a relaxed manner when this essay requires consistent academic writing. Try to avoid using words like "etc." and other abbreviations in your essays as that signifies non-academic writing principles and could have an adverse effect on your score.

Work on improving your concluding paragraphs. Bear in mind the reason why the concluding paragraph exists. That is to remind the reader about the topic being discussed, the reasons presented in relation to the discussion, and what your opinion of the matter is. You can highlight the concluding paragraph by starting it with terms like " In conclusion", "Finally", "In the end", and "To close this discussion", among other references to the closing statement. Remember, no new information. A paragraph with new information presented is not considered a conclusion. If you count 3 reasoning based paragraphs in your essay, the next paragraph should be the conclusion.

I am not sure why there is additional information after your single concluding sentence. Did you forget to delete that? It doesn't sound like it is part of the conclusion you had developed.
Hi Khoa Thanh, overall I think, at some points you've addressed the task question, but may be not very clearly and fully answered what was asked, the language used may be a little casual for an academic writing as well.

Like @Holt has mentioned, I think you should include your point of view of agree/ disagree or partially agree with the statement.

Also I think there's a prob with the word 'besides' in this sentence "On the other hand, men should also take care of housework besides their wives such as play with their children, spend time feeding babies, etc."

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