Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The question about protecting all wild animals or not

zrq 1 / -  
Nov 2, 2017   #1

the value of an animal

Some people think highly of protecting all wild animals,while others do not consider it in that way---they take it seriously that part of them should be protected.

Some of them claim that all wild animals should be protected.First of all,every kind of animals has their lives like human beings and the lives are meaningful.Secondly,the whole animals constitute our nature environment which we vastly depend on. We will go nowhere without nature environment .Perhaps, we would lose all resources such as water,oil,electricity and so on which we must use every single day.Thirdly,in nature ,there always have rules---food chain.It means every animal have their stationary foods that can not change.If one kind of animals is extinct ,the other animal which feed on them definitely go to death.All wild animals would disappear when that happens.Then human beings probably would not exist.

Others brlieve it in different way.Usually,our country do not have enough money to support to all wild animals .Therefore ,we have no choice to prevent part of them from dangerous.Moreover,part of them are born with so strong vitality that they can protect by themselves.Besides that ,they have plenty of companions which means they are far from extinction.What's more important ,in normal cases,we do invest much money in protecting them,but the outcome is inefficient.Some animals are still go to death with no surprise.

To sum up ,every kind of animals has their own value to exist,but protecting all wild animals is not a wise choice for me.All we need to do is to value some of them being important.
twreck 1 / 2 1  
Nov 2, 2017   #2
Hi. I am not certain who the target audiences of this essay are for me to comment specifically. However, here are my thoughts. Personally, I found this very repetitive, perhaps because of the sentence structure, such as "Some people do x, some people do y." You should vary your sentence structure and start with a proper introduction that is not vague. I would usually ask,"Some people who? Say what? How can you prove it? Why should I care?" This would generally help with forming arguments.

For proper body paragraphs, it would help to have some facts to strengthen your claim instead of generalised, vague arguments such as animals also have meaningful lives. There are ways one can refute that by claiming that human beings are the only ones with a specific conscience that seek meaning, contemplate existence and death, and have notions of morality. Therefore, no, animals do not have "meaningful" lives. However, there are other ways to consider why we should protect animal rights.

Or when you say that we would lose natural resources like electricity, water, oil... What does this have to do with animals? How are you relating your points? I would suggest you take a little longer research and outline specific points with evidence and warrant to support your claim.

As for grammar, spelling, and register, please use Word or some free app that helps you eliminate glaring errors. All the best.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,693 3497  
Nov 3, 2017   #3
Zhou, as far as this essay is concerned, I cannot review it for applicable content due to the missing prompt. You are required to always post the prompt along with your response. Without that, all you can get from me is a generalized comment as to your format and development issues.

The first problem of your essay is connected to the missing prompt requirement. You offer a one liner as your opening statement. Definitely the best way to fail this test. You must offer up a concrete restatement of the prompt / topic for discussion as provided to you. This means, you need to convince the examiner that you really understood what the discussion is about and how you are to discuss it. Accomplish this in at least 3 sentences, as most opening statements normally require only that number of sentences to get the summary across.

Next, you group together 3 discussion topics in one paragraph. Another major failure on the part of the writer. The Cohesiveness and Coherence of your essay depends upon your ability to form complete paragraphs based on single topics per paragraph. Right now, you have given us an overview of reasons but you have not fully explained these reasons to the reader so these reasons become invalid. Without a proper paragraph presentation for each one, you are not capable of fully justifying each reference that you have made. That is why the paragraph ruling is in place for this test.

Your conclusion is still short by one sentence to meet the appropriate minimum requirement. You need to practice summarizing your essay discussions for your closing paragraph. The requirement for the closing paragraph is the same as the opening statement only with the addition of the discussion points this time around.

Home / Writing Feedback / The question about protecting all wild animals or not