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Railroads vs Road Budget - IETLS CAMBRIDGE 11 TASK 2

daiha20082009 6 / 9  
Mar 23, 2017   #1
Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Railroads and Highway Budgets

Some people believe that it is a pity if governments spend their budget on improving railways instead of roads as travelling by train is not faster and convenient than driving on our own private vehicle. In my judgement, I personally agree that governments should expenditure more money on railways. There are two reasons for my perspective on this.

To commence with, railways offer safe commutation for both traders and inhabitants. The reason explains to this safety is that trains can carry numerous passengers and packages on their own railroad, which trigger it to be more securer than road. Additionally, the annual percentage of death level from driving on the road recorded is always higher than that from train. As the result, the safety factor should to be put on top of people's choice when commuting.

Equally important, rails predispose less damage to environment due to its less consumption in energy. That car, bus, motorbike and many vehicle are the main factor emit a ton of CO2 into the atmosphere annually, which can compares to the inconsiderable amount of train's emission. For instance, the fact that Singapore is one of the most cleanest country owing to its famous train networking called MRT, which encourages that nation's citizens to use less their private vehicles. Consequently, Singapore is free from not only air pollution but also congestion.

In conclusion, railways offers more benefits to us than roads but the government should take how much they will invest money on rails into account. Besides, they also have certain money on road to ameliorate road standard.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,735 3072  
Mar 23, 2017   #2
Khoa, you can actually score a 5 with this essay. The strongest part of your essay was your properly developed paraphrasing and opinion statement at the beginning. This good paragraph earned you a pretty decent score in the Task Accuracy portion of the test. It showed a clear understanding of the instructions and also added a unique outline touch by indicating that you will be discussing the reasons supporting your opinion. While the major discussion points had imperfect grammar, there was a clear sense of what you were trying to explain to your reader. However, there were times, such as in the second to the last paragraph when the essay lost focus and thought organization resulting in a lack of overall progression in the discussion. Try to discuss only one reason at a time and do not introduce new information within the same paragraph. A single presentation per paragraph always allows for the best discussion development as the focus of the reader is concentrated on one reason alone. This also allows you to better explain yourself and develop a stronger English presentation. The conclusion was problematic though because it fell short of the required paragraph number (3) and tried to present underdeveloped new ideas as additional discussion points instead of just concluding the essay by using the expected method of a discussion summation and concluding presentation. Anyway, you still did good work since you developed over 260 words for the essay. Way over the 250 minimum requirement. Remember though, each paragraph needs at least 3 sentences to qualify as an academic paragraph. You fell short of that requirement once in this essay.
hain3dessay 2 / 3 2  
Mar 24, 2017   #3
Your essay is very good. I like the way you write the introduction paragraph as you write other side opinion first, and then you opinion. For each body paragraph, you should write about 5 sentences, with a topic sentence, a sentence to clarify that topic, and some examples to deeply explain that reason.

... are the main factor emitting a ton of CO2 into ...
AndreiWindy 3 / 7  
Mar 26, 2017   #4
With me, your essay is good, I can learn from it some academic words and good structures. But I wish you can add one more idea to protect your opinion because I am still not totally persuaded. Through it, your essay also will be longer.
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 26, 2017   #5
hi @daiha20082009

That car, bus, motorbike and many vehicle are the main factor emit a ton of CO2 into the atmosphere annually,

it should be better to say "carbon dioxide" rather than write the formula
Sometimes i found non-sense sentences in which it will be better of you mention what kind of transportation using railways because railways are the way not the carrier of passengers, so does the road. In your conclusion, you may state your agreement plus your thesis statement. Overall, your essay is good.

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