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IELTS TASK 2: raising the age of retirement. should or shouldn't?


bein 3 / 10 3  
Jul 2, 2013   #1
Can you help me to check and improve it by giving academic words replacing informal and low level words? Thanks in advance!

some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


With the development of the economy and the science, living standards are becoming higher and higher, resulting in longer life expectancy. Some people claim that the age of retirement should be increased. Others; nevertheless, believe that this is unnecessary. I am convinced by the later whereby health condition and adaptive ability of old people.

People who support this idea cite that most of the retired people, especially males, are more stronger than before and they could take over many different kinds of work. This may be true to some extent in developed countries. It is apparent that in a number of developing nations, people are living much longer but not healthy because of the fact that they must work hard before and social welfare is not good enough. Take Vietnam for example, where women often work for about 30 years and retire at 55 years old. It is a reasonable age because after 50 years old, females usually have to face a variety of diseases such as high cholesterol level and calcium deficiency, which affect their health significantly.

Many advocates also put forward that people after finishing paid employment still have ability to perceive new knowledge, hence they should continue working and contributing to the society. However, I disagree with this statement. There is no doubt that at this science age, technology is changing rapidly day by day and it is difficult to adapt to, especially for older people. Internet and mobile phones are prime examples, which develop with a quick pace and prevent old people from using it easily and conveniently. As a result, the old will have many difficulties when working in this environment.

In conclusion, governments should maintain the retirement age and create more opportunities for enjoyment and relaxation for old people instead of working.

shadman19922 21 / 74 10  
Jul 2, 2013   #2
Others;(<- Replace with comma ) nevertheless, believe that this is unnecessary. I am convinced by the later(latter ) whereby health condition and adaptive ability of old people.

People who support(Can use 'Advocate ') this idea cite that most of the retired people, especially males, are more stronger("Stronger" already implies a comparison, why add the word 'more'?) than before and they could take over many different kinds of work.

technology is changing rapidly(<- You can replace this with the phrase "With celerity ") day by day and it is difficult to adapt to.

As a result, the old will have many difficulties(<- Replace with Impediment ) when working in this environment.

The aforementioned improvements should provide enough sprinkle of pretentious words. Remember, just a sprinkle is enough. There is absolutely no need to overdo it.

Your introduction and conclusions need overhauling though :)
OP bein 3 / 10 3  
Jul 2, 2013   #3
have many difficulties(<- Replace with Impediment)

so use 'have much impediment'?

The aforementioned improvements should provide enough sprinkle of pretentious words.

sorry but I don't really understand what you mean :(

Your introduction and conclusions need overhauling though

are there any problems?
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jul 2, 2013   #4
by repeatedly reading, your essay prompt can be re-phrased to:
Do you agree that retirement age should be increased because people are living longer nowadays?
Have you responded to that question?

However, I disagree with this statement

It is best to have this statement in either intro or conclusion paragraph, rather than body paragraphs..

Hope this helps..
xucoi 14 / 41 10  
Jul 3, 2013   #5
For me, your essay is quite good. :-D. I also have some opinions. Hope these help. "whereby = because of which". I think "whereby + clause". "people are living much longer but not healthier". "because of fact that they have to work harder than before". "which develop with a quick pace and prevent older generation from using them". "the old, I think you can replace it with 'the elderly'.". By the way, VNam is a good example:-).


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