Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

The rate of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged in physical exercises


Minh2903 6 / 13 3  
Aug 15, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, I would really appreciate that you will give your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your help. Have a nice day

physical activity in 2010 australia



The bar chart compares the rates of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged regularly in physical exercise in 2010.

As conspicuous from the statistics, in all age groups, except teenagers, women generally tended to exercise more than men. It is also noteworthy that women in middle-age groups participated in physical activity the most, compared to men who were more active in their teens and mid-twenties.

According to the graph, regarding the 15-24 age group, the percentage of the male taking part in the exercise was the highest, accounting for nearly 53%, while the same figure for the female was relatively lower, at about 48%. As they got older, from 25 to 54, women had an inclination to become more active as their proportion increased steadily to reach its highest point at 53.3%.

In contrast, the figures for men decreased dramatically to bottom out at nearly 40% when they hit 35-44 years old, then recovering slightly and slowly rising to 45.1% at the age between 55-64. Additionally, when both genders were 65 and more, as the percentage of women declined modestly, men and women then had a similar level of participating in physical activity, at 46.1% and 47.1%, respectively.




Mochachii 3 / 3  
Aug 15, 2018   #2
Rather than "... of the male" how about the percentage of males taking part ... It sounds a little bit better to me. Good essay by the way ^^
emilakam 2 / 3  
Aug 15, 2018   #3
@Minh2903

in 6 (different) age groups

(in all age groups, except teenagers, women tended to exercise more than men ) because you have emphasized it clearly about which age group women lagged behind men in physical activities there is no need to write generally or if you want to write generally don't mention the exception

(As they got older, ...) Here, the sentence is more complicated and not direct as it may indicate you are trying to overwrite so you can keep it simple like:

... from 25 to 54, women showed more inclination towards participation in physical activities as compared to men as figures reach its peak at 53.3%

You can say In regards to the 15-24 age group instead of regarding because the former makes little more sense than latter. Otherwise, good work!!!:)
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Aug 16, 2018   #4
Minh, writing over 200 words will not help you during the actual test. Do not write more than 175-200 words because you need to leave yourself time for the review and editing of your work. This is not a task 2 essay so you only need to present the actual information from the chart. You do not need to be too wordy to show off your vocabulary or such in this instance because the focus of the examiner will be on your ability to use all of the given information from the chart in the manner described in the instructions.

That said, you failed to present the information about what the 6 age groups are and the measurement type as part of the summarized information. Make sure that all of the types of information being presented in the chart are included in the summary for accuracy purposes. The types of information presented in the listing tells the reader what sort of analysis report will be presented and the reason why it is being presented.

You need to be consistent in your representation of the type of illustration that is provided. A bar chart is certainly different from a simple graph (which could mean a line graph) so look at the type of image and use that reference at all times. This is a bar chart and not a simple graph.

Do not rely on overly long sentences to explain yourself. Not all of the information needs to be tied together even when unrelated. You ended up using run-on sentences throughout your presentation. Run-on sentences and overly long sentences do not represent complex sentences. These are just what they are, long sentences. The complexity of the sentence lies in word usage and sentence structure. Present each idea as a single sentence per paragraph instead. You could have easily created up to 5 complex sentences in each paragraph if you had taken care to not write run-ons instead.
OP Minh2903 6 / 13 3  
Aug 16, 2018   #5
Thank you all for the kind and detailed reviews.


Home / Writing Feedback / The rate of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged in physical exercises