Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 6

IELTS Task 1 essay about the rate of people working in different jobs in 2 towns


Minh Tam 1 / -  
Jun 5, 2022   #1

the proportion of jobs in manufacturing, sales and services field



The provided four pie charts gives information on the rates of job distribution in three different sectors in Town A and Town B in two years, 1960 and 2010.

It can be seen that the percentage of people working in three illustrated fields were predicted to increase over the period. Additionally, Town A saw the greatest leap in the percentage of people working in the sales sector, which topped the chart to employ the most employees in the town, whereas sales-related jobs made up the highest proportion of the workforce in Town B.

Looking at Town A with details, in 1960, 41% of the employees in Town A had a manufacturing job, while the statistics for sales and services were lower, 30% and 29% respectively. However, in 2010, the number of people having a services occupation experienced a dramatic upturn to 64%, surpassing the other two sectors, while the employment of sales and services saw a significant decline, at 16% and 20% respectively.

Turning to Town B, manufacturing attracted the majority of residents at 70% in 1960 despite a remarkable drop to 53% in 2010. Works related to sales and services, by contrast, both saw rises in the proportion of workers to 22% and 25%, respectively.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175  
Jun 5, 2022   #2
The first paragraph is a run-on sentence. It is confusing for the reader to read as too much information is placed in one sentence. Basic sentence building abilities are immediately scored in the summary paragraph. Therefore, the paragraph must contain at least 3 sentences representing individual information regarding the images and other highlights.

The understanding is that the report will help the writer create a mental image of the provided data. The report cannot ask the reader to look at or infer that the reader must refer to the image. The report must clearly explain the data imaginatively, based on the writer's analysis. There are several references to the image consultation here that will reduce the score in terms of meeting the task requirements.

Town A is also more thoroughly analyzed than Town B. The analysis must be of equal length and discussion for both images otherwise a lower C + C score will be awarded. The reason being that one of the paragraphs is short in terms of analytical development and explanation.

It must be pointed out that even though there are several score reduction reasons in the presentation, the writer still made a good effort in writing the report. He should get a better practice score in the future if he is guided properly during his review period.
Minhhh2005 2 / 3  
Jun 12, 2022   #3
The provided four pie charts gives->give. Spelling error can lower your score.
littlecozyhome 1 / 2  
Jun 19, 2022   #4
gives->give (grammar mistake)
you can change "different" into "various", and "while" into "whereas"
Also, you used the word "sale" too much. I suggest you can paraphrase -> " the employees had a sales-related job..."
saw rises => saw a rise
ridzkiekky 3 / 5  
Jun 22, 2022   #5
... 41% of the employees in Town A had a (...) were lower about 30% and 29% respectively.

Additionally, Town A it saw the ...

As I read, your essay doing a repetitive word "saw". Try other synonym and make sure it match the flow..
beckaa 3 / 7  
Jun 23, 2022   #6
1. "It can be seen that" shouldn't be stated in the 2nd paragraph, instead you could say " Overall, the proportion infer from 2 figures...."

2. Since this is a bar chart consists years in the past, your grammar should be in all past tenses ex. remarkable drop to 53% in 2010 --> remarkable dropped to 53% in 2010.

3. To be able to finish a paragraph and meet all the requirements, you need to have 3+ sentences, make sure to add more next time.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 essay about the rate of people working in different jobs in 2 towns