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IELTS Writing Task 1: the rate of smoking men declined gradually in Someland

tamdoan409 1 / 1  
Aug 5, 2017   #1

smoking rate in Someland - men vs women

The line graph compares the rates of smoking among gender in Someland from 1960 to 2000. In general, the rates of smoking of men declined gradually while that of women increased slightly over the period.

In 1960, 600 men in every 1000 was smoking, which is 6 times as much as women. Over the next 10 years, there was a decrease in the males smoking rate from 600 to just 550, followed by a sharp decline in the next 30 years and finished at approximately 250 at the end of the period.

In contrast, the smoking rates of women experienced a moderate fluctuation. From 1960 to 1975, the rate of female smokers rose significantly from 100 to just over 300. After that, the number remained at the same level at 1980 before decreased gradually to just 200 in 2000.

In conclusion, although the female smoker rates increased over the period, it was always at the lower level than that of male smokers.

LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Aug 5, 2017   #2
Hello. I would like to revise a sentence for you.

"... 1000 was smoking, which is 6 times as ..."
I don't recommend the clumsy expression of "which is" in chart analysis essays. It's not necessary most of the time. In your case, "6 times as much as..." is enough.

If I were you, I would write the sentence this way:

In 1960, 600 out of every 1,000 men was smoking, more than six times the rate of women, just under 100 per 1000.

Please note it is "just under" 100 per 1000 rather than "precisely" 100 per 1000.
Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Aug 5, 2017   #3
Hi, I would like to correct some mistakes for you:
First, " six times more than" not " six times as much as".
Second, " among women and men" or " among two different genders" not " among gender".
Third, " before decreasing ..". You can't use decreased here.
Also, in my opinion, you should write only one overview for your essay and put it as an independent paragraph after the introduction. It seems to me that a conclution here is not necessary.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Aug 5, 2017   #4
Tom, your summary overview is not effective. It is too short and doesn't accurately depict the information and discussion outline that is to be done in the succeeding paragraphs. The opening statement for a Task 1 essay is always just meant to be a summary of the important discussion points in the essay. It should not contain facts and discussion points yet as you did in your presentation. It is also inaccurate for you to assume that the digits in the chart are exact. In this instance, the graph present mere estimations. Since estimations are presented the same should be reflected in your presentation by saying "approximately, close to, appear to be..." among other terms of estimated comparisons. Since this is a task 1 essay, a conclusion is not necessary. So that stand alone last line should instead be merged with the earlier paragraph. A task 1 essay should have at least 3-4 paragraphs of at least 150 words. This essay falls short of all expectations in terms of discussion presentation.
OP tamdoan409 1 / 1  
Aug 6, 2017   #5
Thank you all for the comments.
I appreciated it a lot.

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