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We are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts


denis_as 1 / 3  
Mar 28, 2013   #1
IELTS Writing Task 2; How people perceive Change?

Hello!

I'm a non-native English speaker, and, despite the fact I consider my English level to be pretty high (actually, it's C1), I would kindly ask you to be patient and friendly (still, if I make mistakes - do not hesitate to draw my attention to them!). Well, I'm writing here as I need some assistance, preferably from native speakers and IELTS teachers. I'm planning to take the IELTS in one-two years' time, but I have decided to start preparing for it as early as possible, so I'm already doing some tasks in order to get acquainted with the specificity of the exam as well as train some essential skills for it.

You see, the problem is that I'm a student of humanities, so sometimes I might be unreasonably verbose and pretty abstract. Probably, this is the main reason why I cannot evaluate my writings objectively. I just got used to writing long papers, including there as many words as possible, while the ideal IELTS writing should be precise and concise.

I'd be truly grateful if somebody could read and correct my essay as well as write a short comment on my weak points. You can find the essay below.

Write about the following topic:
Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.


In our globalized world, where the pace of life has increased dramatically, changes are unavoidable. While some people endeavor to minimize changes in their lives, others are eager to have new experiences. This issue is really a two-edged sword and the choice either to remain living without changes or try to change a life completely depends upon a person.

On the one hand, people should be aware of the fact that changes are inevitable. It is believed that people changing nothing in their lives foredoom themselves to stagnation as new experiences and impressions are mandatory for personal development. Thus, individuals who do not understand it never avoid the chance to try something new even if it might seem to a certain extent dangerous or impossible. In a nutshell, changes provide people with the opportunity to know themselves better as well as acquire new skills and priceless experience.

On the other hand, it is beyond doubt that changes do not always lead to success. There are numerous examples in which people pursuing new experiences have lost everything they had before. This is especially common among teenagers who do not value their present posessions and driven by the desire to change their lives completely end up with nothing. This example obviously illustrates the statement that sometimes changes may cause negative effect.

To conclude, I am strongly convinced that we are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts. Never should people sacrifice their present lives unless they are completely certain they will only benefit from it.


I know that my essay is too abstract, that's why I've tried to make it "more real" (adding the example with teenagers which, frankly speaking, sounds silly to me ). Anyway, I'm truly interested in your comments and remarks. By the way, it was written in 25 minutes.

Thanks in advance!
OP denis_as 1 / 3  
Mar 28, 2013   #2
Ooops, my bad: Thus, individuals who do not understand it never avoid the chance to try something new even if it might seem to a certain extent dangerous or impossible.
binhpham_04 2 / 1 1  
Mar 28, 2013   #3
You have good Grammar, but don't let something like On the other hand repeat again and again like that. It make reader and you go around

On the other hand = in contrast, unlike, otherwise, ..
change = improve = increase ...
You can look up dictionary
the time and length you write is good
so try your best, rewrite again and again!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Mar 28, 2013   #4
Very good introduction. I only wish if you had expressed your opinion there. Then you can navigate your examiner in that direction.
You have excellent writing skills. However, your body paras, especially the first one, do not contain specific examples (they need to be specific and not general). That's a mandatory feature of the essays of this task and they expect that. So without having specific examples you may loose marks.

Overall, a very clever essay and if you pay little more attention to your essay structure, you'll certainly get a real good score on this.

Good Luck!
Redtape 4 / 31 11  
Mar 29, 2013   #5
Greetings Dumi,

Need an advise. Do you recommend writers opinion in the first paragraph itself? During my preparation for IELTS, majority of the books that I've referred advising to save the opinion till the last paragraph?
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Mar 29, 2013   #6
During my preparation for IELTS, majority of the books that I've referred advising to save the opinion till the last paragraph?

Is it? Well.... I did TOEFL and this task is very very similar and even most of the essay topics are the same for both exams. However, the guides I referred to recommended to state the opinion in the introduction saying that it would help you to take the examiner in your desired direction. I did that way and got a flying score. That's why I advise others to follow that structure. Also, since you need to manage your time well for these tasks, I'd suggest you to stick to one particular structure when you practice. That would help you a lot at the exam.
OP denis_as 1 / 3  
Mar 29, 2013   #7
Thanks all for your contribution!

Dumi, I' go along with you here... You see, it was the first IELTS essay I wrote without any preparation. I have just watched some videos aimed at helping students write their essays correctly, and there the same idea was expressed. I compeletely agree with you regarding examples - the writing should be based on facts rather than on opinions. Sure, I'll keep practising, especially I'm going to focus on brainstroming (since the examples are mandatory), and soon I'm planning to write one more essay, trying to following your advice.

Redtape, as far as I understood, you have to state your opinion clearly in the introduction. However, you should explain it only in the summary, paraphrasing the ideas you have mentioned in the main body.
christyzhongs 7 / 21 1  
Apr 7, 2013   #8
Hi, Denis, good essay, and I think you already have a pretty good writing skill, you can write 260 words in 25 mins with large range of vocabularies. Better than me :)

As Dumi said, you would better state your opnion at the openning, normally at the last sentence.

Besides, sorry that I got a little lost in your 2nd paragraph, as you were used 'On the one hand' 'On the other hand', I think you would state your opinion in both sides, provide the oppsite views, can you tell me what's your points on the 2nd and 3rd paragraph?


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