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My reaction to this article


Hello,
For school, I have to give my opinion on an article, in around 500-600 words. The opinion has to be frank, clear, and it has to look like an editorial.

I must say that English is not my native language, and that I managed to make the less mistakes possible. But please, the more critical you are, the better will be my English.

The article was:
telegraph.co.uk/sport/2016/09/28/e-sport-offers-a-terrifying-glimpse-of-the-future/
If you don't fancy reading it, it is about "e-sport" and how terrified is the author about it. I totally disagree with this man, so here is my work:


My work:

is it really a bad thing?



Yes, I know, e-sport might seems "terrifying" to people who are not used to the world of video games: watching people playing video games may seem really awkward to you, you might think that it is a waste of time or an absurdity. You may even feel sad to see people leaving a party full of "real live people" to go watching match of video-game. Nonetheless, it is really important to take a step back before making you thought; it might be because it is something new that you feel unsettled about it.

Honestly, is it really a bad thing? I mean, at first, when the author of this article knew his friend was about to leave the party for a match, he was not surprised or even shocked. If that friend was leaving a party for a basketball or a football match, he would not have written an editorial! For him, e-sport seems to be a bad thing, something "terrifying". But what is so different between watching a basketball match and watching an e-sport one, that embarrasses people?

I'll answer: there is nothing really different. In both cases, you watch on a screen people playing to something. It is still real people, you are still passive watching them, there is a community you can share with and people you can talk to either you consider e-sport or traditional sport .... So, why is it terrifying? You might argue that it is not the real world. Is it not? Then, why don't you say the same about people watching a movie? Or about people playing chess or poker? It is all about competitive playing and it is always the same: watching or playing to something that is aimed to entertaim. There is nothing more real in a movie than in a video game. Even more: the basket court is all the same real than the keyboard and the screen gamers are playing with!

Yet, you might argue that sport is better because it encourage people to get active, to be healthy; in opposion to e-sport that encourage people to stay at home. Yes, it is true, but as well as chess or poker does: it's up to people to do some sport. Consequently, it is not relevant to talk about the obesity rate or the decreasing number of municipal facilities in an article about e-sport; knowing than on top of that the majority of the pro-players have their own gym and that they have to keep healthy, even though their jobs consist of playing on a computer. Furthermore, watching e-sport or playing to these games are not something that isolates people: all of these games are online and worldwide. You are "face to face" (or should I say "screen to screen") people from other countries, and you have to cooperate and communicate with them to win your game. The Twitch platform allows spectators to chat live with other people, to react to whatever happens during the match, to show their support to their team...

Having said that, there is something else that, from my point of view, may scare people : the term "e-sport". This term is absurd and very badly chosen. It sounds like we are replacing traditional sports with video games. We are not, and there is nothing else in common between sport and competitive gaming than the competition. It is important not to mistake video games with what it is not, and to think twice before making your own opinion on new things.

Jan 7, 2018   #2
Marcin, since you are writing an opinion paper, you must include the title of the article, the source, the publication date, and the name of the author in your introduction. Otherwise, the reader will not have any idea what you are talking about. You have to introduce an overview of the article in relation to the objective of your opinion paper as well. Since the reader will most likely not have any access to the original article, a summarization of the original report prior to your opinion would make this opinion paper a bit stronger than it is now.

In reference to the way that you are constantly posing questions in the essay and then answering the same, kindly limit that action on your part. Since this is an opinion paper, you need to present all discussions in a matter - of - fact manner rather than a question and answer format. This is because you are required to sound authoritative in the paper and using anything other than a direct response to specific elements of the previous report tends to lessen the impact of your opinion. By the way, please don't use exclamation points in your presentation. This is still an academic paper and should respect the reader at all times. Don't shout because that is not required. Keep an academic and respectful tone at all times.

Overall though, you did a pretty good job in developing your opinion paper. Sure, there were some grammar errors , such as you having used the term passive when it should have been passively. These are negligible because it did not affect the direct meaning of the sentence or paragraph. You have a pretty good grasp of English language usage so your errors in vocabulary and sentence structure are minimal enough to be ignored. Good job.
Thank you very much for your answer. And thank you for your review!
I gave the link of the article, but you're right, I'm going to summarize it:
Tom Cary was at a party during a nice afternoon. He met Dave, had a conversation with him until Dave had to leave to watch a match. Which match? A match of Call Of Duty, a video game.

Then, Tom Cary talks about this new phenomenon called "e-sport": people are being payed to play to video games, like sport professionals are to play to football/basketball. Tom says this is "scary" because it isolates people, he also talks about this astonishing growing of this phenomenon. He find it scary knowing the obesity rate and the vanishing municipal facilities.

My work has to look like an editorial more than a traditional academic writing.
So, in your opinion, I should use less "question/answer". But, should I explain further my arguments, or were them clear enough?

And please, could you tell me every mistake I made? I want to correct them, and not to do them again.
Do you have any style recommendation?

I'm also new to this forum, so I wonder whether I should improve my work and send a "version 2"?


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