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Toefl Essay reading and writing is important today than in the past


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 3, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to evaluate the writing skill
Thank you

The question is that

Is the ability to read and write more important today than in the past. Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

To my view, reading and writing ability is very essential right away. It supports communication around the world regarding business, education and online chat. By using computer-based technologies, people can simply and quickly come into contact with others who live in a remote place.

In the first place, employees who work in different companies can contact with one another. There are two companies which deal in the same type of business. Both employees of the two companies have to cooperate with one another to produce a desired result. By using computers which have email and online letters, the employees find it very easy to exchange information promptly. Therefore, the predicted outcome is achieved.

In the second place, a school is able to allow its students to self-learning. This always happen around the world, especially in America. Students who live in Alaska do not have to go to a campus which is located in Yew York because they come to collect materials and books, and take an exam. By using computer, they can do these activities in front the computer screen. The school has the responsibility to send materials via online to the students so that they are able to learn on their own. Moreover, they can take and submit the online exam to the school immediately.

Finally, people around the world can have a conversation with one another though living in a far place. I live in Singapore and bump up against two friends who stay in China though online. This is the best opportunity to get in touch with the friends whom I have never seen the faces and known the backgrounds.

To sum up, it is impossible for people who live in the fast-growing world to fall in with strangers without computers. Many arenas such as business, education and online chat among people need the computers to read and write to people who live around the global.

DmitryK 2 / 10  
Dec 3, 2009   #2
To my view, (The perspective of your essay is implied.) R eading and writing ability are very essential right away (Clarify what you mean by "right away" [from birth? from entrance into the educational system?]) . They support communication around the world regarding business, education and online chat. By using computer-based technologies technology , people can simply and quickly come into contact with others who live in a remote place.

Imagine a scenario in which employees who work in different companies can contact with one another. There are two companies that deal in the same type of business. Both All employees of the two companies have to cooperate with one another to produce a desired result. By using computers which that have email and online letters, the employees find it very easy to exchange information promptly. Therefore, the predicted outcome (which one?) is achieved.

In the second place scenario , a school is able to allow its students to provide its students with self-learning education . This always happens around the world, especially in America. Students living in Alaska do not have to go to a campus which is located in N ew York because they do not have to come to collect materials and books, and take an exam. By using a computer, they can do these activities from the computer screen. The school has the responsibility to send materials via online to the students so that they are able to learn on their own. Moreover, they can take and submit the online exam to the school immediately.

Finally, people around the world can have a conversation with one who lives very far away . I live in Singapore and bump up against communicate with two friends who stay in China though online. This is the best opportunity to get in touch with the friends whom I have never seen in person.

To sum up, I t is impossible for people who live in the fast-growing world to fall in with strangers without computers (what does this mean?) . Many arenas such as business, education and online chat among people need the computers to read and write to people who live around the global (convoluted sentence) .

Not a very strong essay, to be honest. Consider re-organizing your thoughts and scenarios, and make sure that you fully understand your prompt.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 4, 2009   #3
Thank you for your feedback.

Practicing writing takes time. Doing it everyday can improve the writing skill.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 5, 2009   #4
It's best to use the word you are talking about when you write the first sentence of a paragraph:
Finally, computer technology benefits people around the world by enabling them to have a conversation with one another though living in a far place.

If you do that, every topic sentence will be very clear.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 5, 2009   #5
Thank you for your help.

I have to use a clear and concise word to begin the introduction sentence, so people will be able to understand what the main theme is about.

Can i repeat the question or convert it into my own word?

Sometimes, it is very difficult to write an introduction sentence
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 6, 2009   #6
Yes, I know it can be difficult.

The topic sentence for a paragraph tells the main idea of the paragraph. he rest of the paragraph explains and gives examples.

Instead of repeating the question, answer it directly: Reading and writing is more important than it was in the past, because...
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 6, 2009   #7
Thank you for your feedback. Kevin

It helps me improve my writing skill.


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