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IELTS task 2: Reason why children play less with others and the effects on their development

AnnLee 1 / 1 1  
Jul 28, 2018   #1
Topic: Nowadays, children play less with others and this has an impact on their development. What are the reason for this ? Does it have a good or bad effect on children ?

busy children nowadays

The decreasing amount of time spent socializing with others has become more and more common among children, which is believed to have many influences on children's early development. The cause of this phenomenon are varied, and this may lead to many detrimental effects on the young generation as a whole.

Current heavy workload from school and and tempting contemporary techonology are identified to be the two main reasons. Firstly, children nowadays are too occupied with their studies to socialize with their friends on top of constant examinations. Additionally, high expectations from parents on their studies also lead to stress and pressure for their children, which may isolate them from friends.Secondly, the rapid development of modern technology which engenders many new sources of entertainment and social media such as Facebook may mitigate the amount of time for interpersonal activities. As these new benefits from technology may be addictive to some extent, real life relationships establishments might also be neglected.

As a matter of fact, this trend is having apparently deleterious impact on children's development. In terms of their social life, as they have rare interactions with others, this may result in highly limited communication skills, which can hinder their future careers. Furthermore, lack of socializing could be the reason for many mental illnesses. Owing to the time allocated for studying, which renders children incapable of leaving their desk so as to communicate with others, children may suffer from a deteriorating immobile lifestyle or even autism.

In conclusion, the negative effects of seclusion on children may result in the deterioration in social lives and many diseases. Understandings of the causes and impacts should stimulate parents to take proper remidial steps in order to prevent and resolve such problems.

[i]Feel free to share your ideas about this topic and also my essay. If possible, could you evaluate my essay and give me an approximate band score for this please ? Thanks for your attention../i]

sillyman2000 19 / 42 9  
Jul 28, 2018   #2
Hi, good essay with precise vocabulary. However there are some flaws in your writing, and I am gonna cite it out:
As these new benefits from technology may ... repetitive modal verbs and the sentence is not pretty much precise.

It should be As technology brings numerous benefits, children tend to spend their leisure times indoor, as a result, they neglect to establish real life relationship

Firstly, children nowadays are too occupied ... The sentence is kind of vague to me.

It should be Firstly, due to the constant examinations, children nowadays are too hectic with buttload homework and assignments, therefore they have less time to interact with friends.

Furthermore, lack of socializing could be ...
You can check my sentence: In addtition, the shortage of socialization could be a negative component to mentality.
Otherwise, you did a good job.
hphuc123 4 / 10 4  
Jul 28, 2018   #3
This is an overall well-structured and excellent essay. Some suggestions to improve it:
- influences on their early development
- the causes of this phenomenon
- misspelled "technology" in the first sentence of second paragraph
- in social 'lives": i think it should be "in their social life", but i'm likely to be incorrect
All things considered, i think you presented a truly remarkable essay, especially owing to your extensive vocabulary and your good structure. I'm not an examiner; in fact i doubt that i could actually write an essay as good as yours, so i'm not capable of giving you an approximate band score.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,853 2638  
Jul 30, 2018   #4
Anh, while your vocabulary is impressive, the fact that your paragraphs are not completely developed in terms of reasoning leaves the paragraph less informative than it should be. That is because you are only providing reasons without complete justifications through the use of explanatory sentences and examples to substantiate your claims. Therefore, the total essay can be deemed, less developed than it should be. This is further highlighted by your run-on sentence in the opening paraphrase which should have been presented as a 3 sentence paragraph instead. This is a direct response essay so the reasons and your opinion should have been indicated as part of the opening paraphrase.

When you read the original prompt, note how many sentences it took to present the discussion, reason, and instructions, then make sure that you present the same number of sentences in your paraphrase to totally portray a clear idea of comprehension and sentence development abilities. I would have written this in the following manner:

With children developing less of a socialized form of playtime these days, it has been perceived that this action has had a connection with their overall development. One reason for this is because they can play online and interact with other players in the same way. I believe that this has negative influence on the children.

The paraphrase I wrote responds, per sentence to the following:

1. Paraphrase of the topic sentence.
2. A clear reason for the development based on the first direct question.
3. A personal opinion in response to the second direct question.

Those are the elements of the response that the examiner will immediately look for in your opening paraphrase. So these should be clearly presented in the paragraph paraphrase and connected response.

The way the original prompt was written indicates a 4 paragraph response is required. Therefore, your response should contain only the following:

1. Paraphrase
2. Single reason with properly developed explanation over 3-5 sentences.
3. Explanation as to why this is a bad/negative effect.
4. Concluding summary comprised of the prompt restatement, reason, explanation, and closing sentence.

In every task 2 essay, you should never focus on several discussion points in one paragraph. You are not scored on knowledge of the topic. You are scored only on your ability to make yourself understood as you explain your reasons for supporting a particular aspect of the discussion. In this instance, your essay tries to present several reasons with little developed explanation, which forced you to write run-on sentences, which will have a direct effect on the C&C and GRA scoring considerations of your essay. Mostly because of the lack of clarity behind the reasons in each paragraph.

Based on those reasons, I believe that you can score a 5 - 5.5 due to lack of progression in the discussion and lack of idea development in every paragraph.

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