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Toefl essay Other reason that people want money


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 4, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I want to know the drawbacks that i still face when i want to write an essay.
Thank you.

The question is that

People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use specific examples and details to support your answer.

In my opinion, that people want money to live by working always happens today. They want to get a salary for family, travel and business. By achieving these purposes, people tend to lead a happy and stable life.

The first reason is they want to have a baby. Almost every family wants to see their son walk and play in the home. To attain this goal, they must have money to buy things for raising the children. A milk bottle and a toy are the basics that force parents to buy such childish items. For example, when having a baby, my uncle has to work harder and harder to get a few bucks for buying items in which his son is interested in the home.

The second cause is they want to spend a holiday going out to a tourist attraction. People who live in both single and extended families want to travel to famous mountains and falls. Therefore, money is the most important that they must have to achieve the goal. For instance, My brother who work as advisor to the accounting manager always have a lot of free time; therefore, he decides to take a few days off at the beach. Because having the high salary from his position, he can book a five-star hotel and drive the sports car during the holiday.

Finally, they want to be self-employed. In addition to a regular work, they tend to put the savings money into the business. Moreover, they want to deal with the business in fear that they will be laid out in the future. To illustrate, my friends always do two jobs at the same time. They have a free time during the weekend; hence, they take a stand on open the spa as another source of income when resigning from the present job.

At last, there are many reasons that motivate people to work for making a living. The chance for bring up children, an opportunity to take a holiday off and increase more job allowances in the future are incentives that force people to work.

Norain91 - / 1  
Dec 4, 2009   #2
Delete "that" after "In my opinion..", and " In the home"
Change "salary" to "income", because ,in this circumstance, "income" will be more appropriate.

You are switching tenses: Change "has" to "had" after my uncle.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 5, 2009   #3
Thank you.

Anyway, Are there any problems with my essay?

I really want to know about them before the essay exam for master degree.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 6, 2009   #4
In my opinion, wanting money to live is the reason people work so much today. They want to get a salary for ...

Almost every family wants to see their daughter or son walk and play in the home.

For instance, my brothe r who works as advisor to the accounting manager always has a lot of free time; therefore, he decides to take a few days off at the beach.

Lastly , there are many reasons that motivate people to work for making a living. The chance to bring up children, an opportunity to take a holiday off and increase more job allowances income in the future are incentives that force compel people to work.

I hope these corrections help you to improve your skill! English is hard to perfect.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 6, 2009   #5
I am sure my writing skill will improve gradually.

By practising everyday


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