TOEFL ;Reasons for attending college- Increasing knowledge &preparing for career

Hi everyone!
I am a fresher and I really need your help. I am preparing for the TOEFL test so I really need someone correct my writing. I am trying to accomplish 183 essay examples. Please help me! Thanks in advance! :)

Topic 1: People attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, with the development of the world, more and more people attend colleges or universities instead of seeking for a job after complete their high school. There are a lot of reasons for which people desire to get higher education. But the most popular reasons are reflected in two aspects: increasing knowledge and taking the advantages of career opportunitiy.

First of all, people who attend colleges or universities all want to increase their knowledge. When people study in high school, what they are learnt only provide them a fundamental education background. Some people do not satisfy with this experience because it does not serve their demand of getting knowledge. For example, you can not become a doctor if you only finish their high school diploma. When you are in high school, you are just taught about some main parts of a body and visceras, but you are not learnt how to fix them if something wrong happens. You must enter a medical university to get a medical degree. So, attending colleges or universities will help people fulfil their objectives.

In addition, attending colleges or universities not only helps people advance their education background. It also brings them better chances to attain a good job or to be promoted in their career. Today, along with the global modernization, only people who have university degree are considered for an important job or a high position in a company. Those who just graduate high school are not highly evaluated by their bosses. They often work in the factories or plants under poor conditions. There is no way to help them enhance their living conditions except continue learning to accumulate knowledge. Once their capacities reach to a certain level, they will be appointed to a higer position. Therefore, career opportunity is a good motivation to encourage people attend colleges or universities.

In conclusion, people attend colleges or universities for many different reasons, but the above points are the most common explainations. To me, I prefer enter university because of its benefits.

.... sure, we will help you :)
I had a look at your overall essay structure and it seems to me you follow it right.

However, you need to improve on grammar;


Example;
I do not satisfy those requirements
I am not satisfied with that performance


Usage is "not only" and "but also" together.

To Redtape:
Thank you for your comments. It is very helpful for me :D
To dumi:
Thank you! My essay is base on this form. I have read many topics that you commented in. And I think your given structure is quite easy to follow and very efficient. And you say right. I really need to reinforce my grammar.

PS:
I am very thankful for your remarks. I noted them in my textbook and I will revise them regularly. You guys are very nice. Have a good day :)

If possible, bring in the idea of knowledge base economy, and the increasing competition globally.

Personally, I do not think the desire to seek knowledge is a reason why ppl attend college, as most knowledge is able to be acquired beyond the college.

Hope it's useful

First of all, the aim of those who attend colleges or universities are to acquire advance knowledge and skills in their field of specialization.


While high school education provides students with a more general knowledge in a diverse range of subjects, colleges offer them with more specific and advance knowledge in a particular discipline.


... I wish if you say this idea like;
Some people wish to become professionals in certain fields. Such people cannot stop after high school graduation and need to advance their knowledge in that area to reach their goals and aspirations.

Here's a few suggestion I made and may what I said help you!
When people study in high school, what they are learntthey learnt only provide with them a fundamental education background.

I would write this sentence this way if I were you.
Some people do not satisfy with this experience because it does not serve their demand of getting knowledge.
Some people feel the knowledge which they assimilate from high school courses is far from enough if they want to get a high income job or achieve their personal value when they enter into their career.

Nowadays, with the development of the world, more and more people attend colleges or universities instead of seeking for a job after completing their high school. There are a lot of reasons why people desire to get higher education. But the most popular reasons are reflected in two aspects: increasing knowledge and taking the advantages of career opportunitiy (I'm not sure about this phrase) .

First of all, people who attend colleges or universities all want to increaseimprove their knowledge. When people study in high school, what they are learntlearned only provide them a fundamental education background. Some people do not satisfy with this experience because it does not serve their demand of getting knowledge. For example, you can not become a doctor if you only finish their high school diplomaFor example, one can not become a doctor with only a high school diplomachool diploma . When you are in high school, you are just taught about some main parts of a body and visceras, but you are not learntdidn't learn how to fix them if something wrong happens. You must enter a medical university to get a medical degree. So, attending colleges or universities will help people fulfil their objectives.

In addition, attending colleges or universities not only helps people advance their education background but it also brings them better chances to attain a good job or to be promoted in their career. Today, along with the global modernization, only people who have university degrees are considered for important jobs or high positions in a company. Those who just graduate high school are not highly evaluated by their bosses. They often work in the factories or plants under poor conditions. There is no way to help them enhance their living conditions except continue learning to accumulate knowledge. Once their capacities reach to a certain level, they will be appointed to a higer position. Therefore, career opportunity is a good motivation to encourage people attend colleges or universities.

In conclusion, people attend colleges or universities for many different reasons, but the above points are the most common explainations'explanation . To me, I prefer enter university because of its benefits (Consider exploring this, I'm not sure about this sentence in general, how is this different from others' reasons) . (Maybe remind what the points are, just to conclude )

I'm just trying to fix some punctuation and grammar