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Reasons-winners are be motivated by money & fame, what impacts on youth & itself


cathyliu 19 / 54  
Feb 22, 2010   #1
In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous.

What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?
Give reasons for your answers.

(this is a little difficult topic, I do not know how to continue in the writing process, welcome disscuss and please give me some suggestions)

3:57.
As the rapid development of economic development, over-commercialization results directly in the change of individuals' values. Athletes nowadays are motivated by cash reward as well as the accompanied opportunity to be famous, instead of the simple desire to win or break world records. Along with the prevalence of sport competition, this behaviour not only changes the values of young generation, but also exerts a profound influence on sports themselves.

There is no lack for evidences to prove that the values changes of the whole society, especially the young individuals. It is not uncommon nowadays to see that the excellent scientists who make enormous contributions, the sporting champions who have won medals are rewarded of a large number of money for their enormous contributions; even singers who are invited to give a performance on scene need to be paid a high wage. Not to mentioned that a 7 years old child asks cash from his parents for a high test scores in school.

In terms of sports themselves, this attitude to sport will pose a threat to the development of sporting cause in the long run. No denying that it will stimulate personal competition to some extent; however, the disadvantages hidden in its back should not be neglected. First of all, it will damage the sporting cause of a country. For example, if an athlete is in extreme pursuit of money, it is probable that he could be bribed money for giving up competition with others. Secondly, if an athlete has earned enough money so that he/she do not need and do want to earn money any more, will he or she give up participating the sports competition? No matter which motivation they harbour, only if they are motivated by prize money or to be a celebrity, the ultimate result are the one we do not expect to see.

To conclusion, it is time to change the current over- materialized value, including the individuals' values on money and celebrity, only in this way, will it be possible for our society to create a healthy and harmonious atmosphere for ourselves and the young generation.

353words

6:41

klusterfunk 6 / 21  
Feb 22, 2010   #2
hi Cathy!

Very well-written essay. I found myself nodding at some of your arguments!

Sorry for the bad formatting, still getting used to it...

Small grammar/composition suggestions:

As the rapid development of economic development...

Due to rapid economic development...

...as the accompanying opportunity to be famous...

...not only changes the values of younger generations ...

There is no lack of evidences to prove that the values change of for the whole of society...

It is not uncommon these days to see excellent scientists who make enormous contributions, the sporting champions who win medals, even singers who perform on stage, being rewarded with large sums of money.

Not to mention that a 7 year old child (all 7 year olds are children, by definition) asks for cash from his parents for a high test scores in school.

...this attitude to sport will pose a threat to it's evolutionof sporting cause in the long run.

There's no denying that it will stimulate...

... the disadvantages hidden in its backit's drawbacks should not be neglected.

First of all, it will damage the sporting causecould corrupt the institution of sport in a country.

...so that he/she does not need and do or want to earn money any more, will he or she give up participating the sports competitionin sports entirely ?

No matter which motivation they harbour, only if they are only motivated by prize money or to be a celebrity, the ultimate results are the one we do not expect to seewould be disappointin g.

ToIn conclusion, it is time to change the current over-materialized valuematerialistic attitudes , including the individuals' values onof money and celebrity. O nly in this way, will it be possible for our society to create a healthy and harmonious atmosphere for ourselves and the youngfuture generations.

Very minor mistakes, mostly! But when there are many of them, it might cause a bad impression.
OP cathyliu 19 / 54  
Feb 22, 2010   #3
Great thanks, klusterfunk.

(1)Due to the rapid ecomomic development,
Due to /Owing to/As a result of; Along with
(2) accompany
accompanying opportunity
accompanyed by the opportuntity to be famous
**(3) young generation /younger generation
Is it a mistake on the grammer or the meaning? ( As I see the young people appearing in the topic, so here I substitute for it with young generation, you see, it is a little hard to change habits)

(4) lack of ---------- this is a serious error I make.
evidence(s) : whether because there is a "no" before it, here should be a singular instead of a plural
"There is no lack of evidence(s) to prove that
----the change of the whole society on values..."
----the change for the whole society on values..."
I think both sentences are correct. the only difference is the meaning, right?

(5)"It is not uncommon these days to see excellent scientists who make enormous contributions, the sporting champions who win medals, even singers who perform on stage, being rewarded with large sums of money." excellent sentence!

where I extract singer just want to describe the other type : those who ask for money. (the former are given a large sum of money)

So could it be arranged in this way:
"It is not uncommon these days to see [that] excellent scientists who make enormous contributions, sporting champions who win medals,are rewarded with large sums of money.

(I think you sentence are excellent, especially the "being" , I am not dare to use it since I still not maste the usage of being proficiently)

Even singers have been beginning ask for tillfuls for their performance on stage, not to mention ...
(6)
for "a 7 year old child", here I only want to give a specifical example.

(7)...this attitude will pose a threat to it's evolutionin the long run.
excellent! I never thought I could replace sporting cause with evolution. (I tried to use other words but I failed )

(8)
There's no denying that it will stimulate...
for this sentence, could I omit 'there is", or it only could be written in this way?

(9)"the disadvantages hidden in its back"/ " it's drawbacks should not be neglected"
for my sentence, I once think it is a excellent expression...,but now I am not sure....

(10 )First of all, it will could corrupt the institution of sport in a country. (absolutely accept )
could I use sport institutions here?

(11) if only

(12) In conclusion,// to sum up, ---------another severe mistakes I make.

In the end, exprssing my appreciation to you once again!


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