I hope you'll help me with correction grammar and spelling mistakes, and maybe give me some feedback or idea, thank you!
Japanese music
I've written this essay awhile ago and got it corrected here, and now I'm back. I'll be reading this aloud at my English exam, so I would appreciate it, if someone would correct it :) I've added some things to the original essay and tried to shorten the stuff I'd already written.
If you have any suggestions to another word I could use instead of my original word or tell me if something doesn't make sense, that would also be highly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Lately I've been quite addicted to Japanese culture.
My most recent discovery is Japanese music, which is commonly referred to as the term J-rock. I've been listening to it for some months and then in October I decided to order a magazine about Visual Kei, which is a genre of Japanese music that not only focuses on the music, but also the appearance. Every time I looked in the magazine, I got more and more fascinated - it was a completely new world unfolding before my eyes. It was so unlike anything I'd ever seen. Compared to European/American bands Visual Kei bands are unique. It's not just their music, but it's their whole culture - everything from how they act in public to their marvellous stage shows.
On stage, they usually wear striking make-up, unusual hairstyles and elaborate costumes. Most J-rockers are men, but some of them like dressing in female clothing. They are neither gay nor transvestites; they're just performers, who like to please their fans.
I then started searching on the Internet for the new names I found in the magazine, because up until then I'd only been listening to the artist called Miyavi.
The first band I found was An Cafe, which consist of Miku, the vocalist; Bou, the guitarist; Kanon, the bassist; and Teruki, the drummer. I liked their music right away. Their genre is more Oshare Kei, which is happier and a lot more upbeat than Visual Kei. The clothing is also quite different, because it features very bright and happy colours. When I listen to and look at An Cafe, or Oshare Kei bands in general, I become so cheerful, and it's definitely the perfect medicine, if you've had a bad day.
I continued my hunt and one day I stumbled upon the artist Gackt Camui, who is undeniably my biggest obsession at the moment. He's a songwriter, vocalist, multi-instrumentalist, actor, author, model and voice actor - all at the same time!
He made his big debut with the band Malice Mizer, but in 1999 he decided to go solo for reasons known only to him. After he left the band, he became widely popular, and he still is.
Many people would most likely describe him as odd, and I guess they're somewhat right. Gackt's abnormality dates all the way back to his childhood. He began to see himself as an outsider at age seven. One day while he was swimming off the coast of Okinawa, he nearly died. After his near-death experience, he had the ability to see the dead. When he was ten, he suddenly collapsed and was hospitalized. It was a hospital for gravely ill children, and he had to watch his friends in the ward die, one after the other. During his stay, he became continuously more and more mentally unbalanced and was denied release. Desperate to escape what he felt was a prison, Gackt started acting as if he was cured until he was released. This experience had a profound effect on him.
But even though he has been through so much hardship he has still been able to carry on, and that's really a trait to admire.
He has also always been very competitive, and it's certainly not enough for him to be next best - that's why he's so skilful at everything.
In his interviews, he always tells bizarre stuff about himself. He believes that he was born in the year 1540 and is a vampire. He also thinks that electric light can injure his eyes, and therefore he wears sunglasses most of the time.
Most J-rockers are, like Gackt, peculiar in some way, and that's why I like them so much.
In the world of J-rock, fans feel very attached to their favourite bands and to one another. This is true especially in the West, where fans of J-rock are rare. Therefore, it is important to work together to help J-rock gain more popularity in our part of the world.
In spring 2007 our support and hard work had finally started to pay off, and the Japanese bands realized, that they have lots of fans outside Japan. In May, one special and very important man in the J-rock industry known as Yoshiki managed to put a festival together in America, where about ten famous Japanese bands performed. Not surprisingly was this festival given the name J-rock Revolution, because it certainly was revolutionizing. It turned out the be a big success, and now many bands are following in its foot prints. On June 23 a festival in Germany called J-shock is scheduled, where four famous bands, including An Cafe, will perform, just to mention an example. I'll of course be attending this festival, as it will the first of its kind in Europe.
Greetings!
What an interesting insight into a little-known (at least to me) sub-culture! I think the essay is well-written, expressing your fascination with J-rock without gushing effusively, as essays of this type sometimes do. I do have a few suggestions for you:
"I continued my hunt (search, pursuit?)" - I think any of these words are fine, though I think I like "hunt" the best.
"in 1999 he decided to go solo due to unknown reasons." - This struck me as a little odd when I read it. Are the reasons unknown to everyone, or just you? If he refused to tell the world his reasons (which sounds in keeping with his personality), how about saying, "he decided to go solo for reasons known only to him" or "he decided to go solo, but gave no reason for doing so."
I think it might help to have some sort of transition after this sentence: "Many people would most likely describe him as odd, and I guess they're somewhat right." Perhaps before launching into his childhood story, say something like: "Gackt's 'differentness' dates all the way back to his childhood. He began to see himself as an outsider ..." etc.
"After his near-death experience (or death experience as he states), he has had the ability to see the dead. His family didn't believe him, though." - You're switching tenses here. Instead of saying "he has had" just say "he had the ability ..."
The episode where he collapsed at age ten is a little confusing, because it seems at first to be related to his near-drowning ("When he was ten, however"), and then not to be. Leaving out the "however" would help. Also, saying he had to be hospitalized at a hospital sounds redundant. You might wait to explain that it was a hospital for very sick children until the sentence about his friends in the ward dying. "It was a hospital for gravely ill children, and he had to watch his friends in the ward die, one after the other. This had a profound effect on him."
"Unique" is a word that is often abused these days. By definition, it means there is only one; therefore, something cannot be "really unique" or "so unique." You can just say "Compared to European/American bands they are unique." (Put an "s" on "band.")
Good job!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thank you very much!
I still have some questions, though.
Can I say "Gackt's abnormality dates all the way back to his childhood"? I'm not even sure if abnormality is a real word.
And is it more correct to say "the year 1540" or just "year 1540".
"It was a hospital for gravely ill children, and he had to watch his friends in the ward die, one after the other. This had a profound effect on him." - I think this sentence needs an end or something, but I don't know how to say it. I want to say that he was desperate to get out of there, and therefore he acted normal and got released. How can I say that?
Also, one last thing, which is better - "next best" or "second best"?
I tried this:
"It was a hospital for gravely ill children, and he had to watch his friends in the ward die, one after the other. During his stay he became continuously more and more mentally imbalanced and was denied release. Desperate to escape what he felt was a prison, Gackt started acting normally (like he was cured?) until he was released. This experience (incident, event?) had a profound effect on him."
Can I say that? Or do you have any suggestions?
Greetings!
OK, let's take these questions in order. First of all, yes, "abnormality" is a word, and you can use it there. Another way to say it might be "Gackt's deviation from the norm" if you like the sound of that better.
Say "he was born in the year 1540 ..."
It sounds redundant to say "continuously more and more ..." I think I'd leave out "continuously."
Perhaps instead of "acting normally" you could say he "began imitating what he perceived to be 'normal' behavior, which eventurally convinced his doctors to release him." And I'd go with "This experience had a profound effect on him."
Good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thank you very, very much! It has been a really great help for me!
And I believe you mean 'eventually' instead of 'eventurally' :)
You're welcome and yes, you're quite right, I meant "eventually.". Even I make typos! :-)))
Sarah
Greetings!
I remember your excellent essay! And now, it's even better! I have just a few suggestions:
commonly referred to as [delete "the term"] J-rock
Compared with [instead of "to"] European/American bands, [add comma] Visual Kei bands are unique.
By [instead of "In"] spring 2007, [add comma] our support and hard work had finally started to pay off, and the Japanese bands realized [delete comma] that they have lots of fans outside Japan.
Not surprisingly, [add comma] this festival was given the name J-rock Revolution, because it certainly was revolutionizing.
On June 23 a festival in Germany called J-shock is scheduled, where four famous bands, including An Cafe, will perform [delete ", just to mention an example"]. I will, of course, be attending this festival, as it will be the first of its kind in Europe.
You might want to add one more sentence to give it more of a sense of finality; something about how much you're looking forward to the concert. If you can tie it back in to your first sentence, even better.
Good job!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thank you very much!
Your corrections are as always very appreciated.
Yes, I've also been thinking about a final sentence, that clearly states that this is The End. I could only come up with this:
"Considering my huge addiction to everything Japanese, I look incredibly much forward to this event."
How is that working?
Greetings!
I think you're on the right track. We just need to adjust your grammar a bit. Better would be: "Considering my huge addiction to everything Japanese, I'm really looking forward to this event." [you could add "with great anticipation."]
That's not quite as strong as it could be, though. I've been trying to think of a way to use "addiction" to add a metaphor; something like, "Considering my huge addiction to everything Japanese, my spirits will be flying high."
I hope this helps!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
I like the metaphor a lot, so I think I'll be using something like that!
Thank you very, very much - you've been a great help.
