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Reduced number of people who keep in touch with others and disrupted personal relationship


kurnia 4 / 5  
Dec 6, 2016   #1
The globalization era, the majority of people have accustomed to use electronic media. However, it caused numerous problems such as reduced number of people who keep in touch with others and disrupted personal relationship. I personally disagree with that idea, because my opinion electronic media has more positive impact than negative effect.

Furthermore, as we know that most of people always using electronic media in their life particularly to communicate with others. Nevertheless, they forget about meet face to face is more important. Even, in a new study, the researchers find that the average people who using handphone or electronic media reach approximately 10-12 hours in a day.

In my point of view, actually there are many advantages from electronic media such as, we can find information easily from my handphone everytime and everywhere. When we want to intensify own knowledge and discover new thing we just click on google to find it. Then electronic media also cheaper and more convenience than other media. In the past we usually keep in touch with family,friends using mail post, but now we just type to keyboard and sending directly to receiver.

In conclusion, electronic media is essential for our life. It can make our life easier particularly to get mush information and connect with people, but unconsciously it can disturb our relationship with surroundings. However, in my view electronic media still become most important thing and cannot stop to using it.

Abrahamlincoln 54 / 56  
Dec 6, 2016   #2
Dear Alfian
Here, my corrections toward your writing

1. Grammatical Accuracy: you wrote grammar inconsistently, you use two grammar within one sentence. It makes the readers hard to understand and catch up your idea.

2. Please kindly pay attention SINGULAR AND PLURAL sentence.

3. in the second paragraph you could add some explanation regarding the relationship between avoid direct communication and the mentioned research finding.

4. Please do not say "my" in this writing since you have to give the general opinion about what majority people think not your argument. Furthermore, this is a agree and disagreement question which is not needed to put your personal point of view.

Good Luck
Arlen 20 / 40 3  
Dec 6, 2016   #3
hello, here are my suggestions,

For the introduction, you should describe your state clearly and confidently. Instead of using word like "that idea", you should explain what the idea is. Or reader might misunderstand what is the topic you want to discuss.

Secondly, there is no VERB in many sentences, you should be careful of this error.

hope it helps!
AmbigaY 1 / 2  
Dec 6, 2016   #4
Its a great essay. Just a few mistakes to correct,

In a contemporary globalization era..., the majority of people have become accustomed....,

instead of caused numerous problems, use- gave rise to numerous problems/issues,

not because my opinion: to my opinion,

check out, commas missing
krempetkov 13 / 29 6  
Dec 6, 2016   #5
The globalization era, the majority of people... -- Nowadays, we live in a glabalization era, where majority of people...

However, it caused numerous problems such ... - About this sentence - replace However with Although/ Even though.

I personally disagree (...) media has more positive impact than negative effect. - You disagree with what? -- Because in my opinion, the electronic media influence our society in rather positive way.

Furthermore, as we know that most of people always using electronic... -- It's always good to start your paragraphs with topic sentences(provide a brief information, what is your personal opinion and the develop your ideas) - so it's not a good idea to start with Furthermore, since you have not stated anything yet.

You have a lot to improve, but you are at the right path. The first thing, that i will suggest is to boost your vocabulary, as well as start reading more sample essay, because you have problems with your grammar and sentence structure(just like me :D).
yika 6 / 12 1  
Dec 6, 2016   #6
Hello, I will give my correction for you

personal relationship direct communication

In the past we usually keep kept (remember time signal "past" so you must use past tense)

... particularly to get mushmuch information

cannot stop to usinguse it (remember that to infinitive)

thank you


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