IELTS - Reearing a child in strict or no-rules culture. Discuss merits of both

Hi,

Please review my essay. This has taken me around 45 minutes to write this essay. Thank you for your feedback

In some cultures, children are expected to follow very strict rules of behaviour. In other cultures, children are allowed to do almost anything they want. What are the merits of each opinion? What is your position on the matter? Include relevant examples in your response.

In the modern world, the prosperity of a nation depends on its citizens. While children are considered as the future of a country, so a child behavior is very important. Some cultures believe that imposing strict rules on children helps them to become better individuals while few other cultures believe in free up bringing of children. The merits of each of these points are analyzed before arriving at a reasoned conclusion

On the one hand, it is felt by many that obedience and good behavior are a result of strict rules that children made to follow. For instance, the number of drug addicted teenagers is less in countries where behavioral rules are imposed on children when compared to no-rule culture societies like the US. This shows that the stringent rules by parents induce the sense of fear in a child against bad traits. Thus it is evident that inculcating good habits with the aid of rules helps children to become a law abiding individual.

Conversely, bringing up a child in a free way helps them to be more independent and creative. Take Steve Jobs, for example. The co-founder of the worlds greatest computer company was a college drop-out. If Steve Jobs, had been brought up in a strict culture, then he would never have had been allowed to leave college to start a company. This clearly shows that rearing a child without rules results in individuals willing to try out different and creative career paths than a child brought up with rules. Hence providing unrestricted freedom to children has its own advantages.

To sum up, both cultures of bringing up children under supervision and rearing them without rules has their own merits that cannot be debunked. Hence it is agreed that for better all-round development of kids, a mixture of both of these cultures is essential

I think this is not a proper hook that can attract the reader's attention. Moreover, it has less relevance to your topic too.


.... this idea provides a better hook.... your topic is about child rearing and this has close relevance to that aspect. This is the hook I suggest for you;

Children are the future of any society and therefore it is very important to ensure that they would be properly brought up.
Now you can discuss the background of the issue.

Hi
I did participate in the contenst too.
Your essay is really good and will get high mark I suppose.

I just checked your essay but anyway i could be wrong. if so I would appreciate any correction of my suggestions.

1.Do not use "while" in two sentences in a row.
2. I do believe it is good to avoid phrases such "on the one hand and conversely" at the beginning of the topic sentences.

3. For instance, the number of drug addicted teenagers is less in countries where behavioral rules are imposed on children when compared to no-rule culture societies like the US

very long sentence and your example is the US which is the last word in this sentence.
4.This shows that the stringent rules by parents induce the sense of fear in a child against bad traits.
It is irrelevant and I could not understand meaning behind it.
5.children to become a law abiding individual.
if you use "children" it must be "law abiding individuals "
6.not comma after Steve Jobs
7. would never have had been allowed
Is it possible to use this structure? I have never seen such time!
8.both cultures have their own merits

As a way of conclusion: i feel that you should conclude your first para with a clear definition what is the merit of the first strategy,like you did for the second para.