The essay has just the right number of words for a very good scoring consideration. The effort to properly outline the prompt requirements shows that the writer put time and effort into creating an applicable prompt restatement + opinion. There are several things the writer did right in this presentation:
- The presentation of an appropriate rephrasing + reasoning foundation
- Correct single opinion explanations in both paragraphs
- The use of personal experience and public opinion as evidence and defence points
However, the writer also has a few grammatical inaccuracies present. These are minimal erron but could affect the presentation clarity and grammar score.
during I just got 4 points
Unclear action reference . The addition of the word "which" after "during" would have made a clear reference to the exam the writer took.
And
Conjuctions are connecting words for a thought or idea. It cannot therefore, be used at a sentence start where no previous idea has been presented yet.