Hi, here my essay about "More and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order to look for work. What will be the consequences of this? What solutions can you offer? ". Can you give me some feedback? Thanks.
people move from small towns to bigger cities
It is true that increasing number of people are moving into cities from rural areas in purpose of searching a job. Although this trend has some serious consequences, government can take steps to overcome these potential issues.
Rural to urban movement causes several problems. Firstly, increased population in cities will create traffic congestion due to increased number of car owners. People will spend more time on the way while commuting. This will also lead extra stress on people. Second possible issue is that higher renting and selling house proces. This will be adversely affected because of higher demand of housing. For example, home prices in metropolitans such as New York, London and Istanbul have the highest rate among all cities in their country. Finally, there will be seen a shortage of food products because less people will grow up vegetables and fruits.
There are various measurements that governments can take to tackle these possible problems. Main solution is preventing the movement from agricultural areas to cities. If governments set up factories or business in rural areas, less people will migrate into urban areas. Moreover, possible population numbers should be considered while making a new city plan. New dwelling areas, bridges, schools and other infrastructures should be developed based on this new city plan and expected population rate. Lastly, public transportation should be promoted in order to decrease traffic jams.
In conclusion, while there are several possible issues as many people move to cities, these can be solved by implementing measures mentioned above.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,914 3562
Ezgi, let's start the review of your essay with your grammar mistakes. That way you get to know what sorts of additional grammar study and practice material you will need to use in order to improve your written presentations.
When using common phrases, be sure that you present these properly. For example, you used the term "searching a job" when the proper phrase is "searching for a job." You missed "for" as the determiner in this sentence. Be mindful of your spelling, MIs-spelling an English word can have a direct effect on your LR score. The word is "process", not "proces".
As per the prompt requirement that indicates; "What solutions can YOU offer?" there is immediate evidence that you did not understand the prompt requirement, leading you to deviate from the proper prompt discussion. Where does this evidence from? You indicated in your prompt paraphrase, as part of your thesis statement / discussion instruction that; "... government can take steps to overcome the potential issues." In outline form, you can see the mistake better:
Original Question: What solutions can you offer?
Your Response: ... government can take steps to overcome these potential issues.
Therefore, your essay will be considered only partially correct in response to the given task. The correct part is the statement of the consequences of this problem. The wrong response has to do with the solutions to the problem. The essay was asking you for a personal solution suggestion, not a government based solution. As such, your essay has missed half the proper discussion points for this essay and will be scored accordingly. You will be scored only for the parts that you responded to correctly, which means that your essay will then fall under the word count, causing points deductions for the shortness of your essay presentation / not meeting the minimum word requirement. Combined with your other grammar problems, I am not sure if you will have enough scoring consideration left to get at least a passing score for this type of work.
Thank you so much for your feedback. It made me see my mistakes. I will focus on these issues.