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Essay on The most remembering moment in my life


Dedyhka 1 / 1  
Feb 29, 2008   #1
Hello, this is my first essay in English. My teacher returned it to me because of too many mistakes in each sentence. But it is very hard hard to revise a paper that you wrote. Please help me to do this.

Here is my work.

Black, long stripes of braking wheels, damaged in total cars. Big spots of dark, spilled fluids, blood and little rectangles of broken glass. Screamed and waited for help people...

It was an early morning of July 6 2007 in Denver. The Sun was about to rise from what black skies started to change the color. The light breeze slowly moves green leaves of roadside trees with birds on it. I and my friends Pole and Rome came back from work to home. We worked at the casino in Central City and it usually took us one hour to get to Denver. Our trip consisted of two parts: first one was 21 miles in canyon and second was 30 miles on straight freeway. The road in canyon was kind of dangerous because of many sharp curves and blind spots. The other 30 miles was very easy to drove because the road is straight and all you have to do is stay in your line and watch for police patrols if you driving over the limits.

In that day problems began since we finished our work. First I could not find my keys and we spent twenty minutes to find them. Finally, we were on the way to home and after fifteen minutes of driving one of our front tires just exploded and I had to replace it. This took me another fifteen minutes. After that we returned to road and began to discuss what happened.

"It is a little suspicious for that I lost my keys and has punched a tire at the same day. What do you think guys?" I said.

"It is just a concurrence. Do not worry about. "Exclaimed Pole
"I think that it is all devils' game or the signs that we should not drive a car." said Rome thoughtfully.
Having listened to their answers I have thinking about devil. Is he real or it just an imagination? What if Ivan right? What if it is real devils" game? If nobody saw him it means that he is unreal. I have calmed myself. Meanwhile we have passed half of the way and entered freeway. After five minutes I realize that there were only three cars on the road. Two of them were in middle line and one in right line. I drove my car in left line with speed of eighty miles per hour and I was about five hundred feet far from them. I began to speed up to catch those cars.

"One hundred and fifty miles it is too much for you. Please slow it down" Rome said
"Give me only one minute. I just want to pass and after I will drive normally" I replied
Trees, houses, everything behind my windows became solid and invisible. When you can only see what is in front of you but not what is on sides. It felt like diving without goggles. At that moment car, which was in the middle line with speed around sixty five miles quickly changed the line just one hundred feet from me. My first reaction was not breaking. I gave him some time because I thought he will pass the other car and return in the middle line. I was totally wrong. He stayed in my line and did not even think about passing. Then I hit brake pedal, but it was too late. Also there was no free line to pass because there was each car in one line.

It happened quickly and powerfully. I saw how crashed hood jumped in the air, how engine parts scatter in the different sides; everything went like in slow-motion shot. In front of me all crashed with terrible noise, clouds of a dust was raised as we went thru the side rail guards. Thru clouds I saw the damaged car that I have hit and people inside. There were toll and skinny man and his wife. He has been dressed in black suit, white shirt and black tie. His face was deformed from horror. His wife also was nice dressed and her mouth was opened. She should loudly shouts in panic, but I did not hear her because of noise. We continued fell from the height and my car began rolling. In desperation I close my eyes and covered my face and head by my hands. At that moment I hoped that it was just a nightmare. I waited for a second, but it seemed to me as long as an eternity. Then there was an impact. I has flung to the back of my seat and then pressed to my seat. Finally we stopped rolling and became silently and darkly. No images, no sound, no feelings absolutely nothing. I know that I have to be strong; I have to wait until help will arrive. I do not wish to die today. I am still too young. Hopefully I will hear the helpful sound of firefighter's alarm. If they will come fast then I have a good chance to survive. I will spend some time in a hospital. Doctors will fix me and then all became as well as was earlier.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Mar 1, 2008   #2
Greetings!

Learning a new language is a big challenge! Just keep working at it and you'll continue to improve. In the meantime, I'll help you with some editing. I didn't highlight every change I made because I made quite a few, but this should help:

Black, long stripes of braking wheels, big spots of dark, spilled fluids, blood and little rectangles of broken glass. Screams and waiting for help.
It was an early morning, July 6, 2007, in Denver. The sun was about to rise from black skies starting to change color. The light breeze slowly moved the green leaves on roadside trees with birds singing from the branches. I and my friends, Pole and Rome, were coming back from work to home. We worked at the casino in Central City and it usually took us one hour to get to Denver. Our trip consisted of two parts: the first one was 21 miles in the canyon and the second was 30 miles on straight freeway. The canyon road was kind of dangerous because of many sharp curves and blind spots. The other 30 miles was very easy to drive because the road is straight and all you have to do is stay in your lane and watch for police patrols if you are driving over the limit.

That day, problems began as soon as we finished our work. First, I could not find my keys and we spent twenty minutes looking for them. Finally, we were on the way home and after fifteen minutes of driving one of our front tires just exploded and I had to replace it. This took me another fifteen minutes. After that, we returned to the road and began to discuss what happened.

"It is a little suspicious that I lost my keys and punched a tire on the same day. What do you think guys?" I said.

"It is just a coincidence. Do not worry about it," exclaimed Pole.
"I think that it is all the devil's game or a sign that we should not drive a car," said Rome, thoughtfully.

Having listened to their answers I started thinking about the devil. Is he real or just imaginary? What if Ivan was right? What if it was a real devil's game? If nobody saw him it means that he is unreal, I calmed myself. Meanwhile we passed half of the way and entered the freeway. After five minutes I realized that there were only three cars on the road. Two of them were in the middle lane and one in the right lane. I drove my car in the left lane at eighty miles per hour and I was about five hundred feet away from them. I began to speed up to catch those cars.

"One hundred and fifty miles is too fast. Please slow it down," Rome said.
"Give me a minute. I just want to pass and after that I will drive normally," I replied.
Trees, houses, everything behind my windows became solid and invisible. When you can only see what is in front of you but not what is on the sides, it feels like diving without goggles. At that moment, a car, which was in the middle lane going around sixty-five miles per hour, quickly changed lanes just one hundred feet from me. My first reaction was not breaking. I gave him some time because I thought he would pass the other car and return to the middle lane. I was totally wrong. He stayed in my lane and did not even think about passing. Then I hit the brake pedal, but it was too late. Also, there was no free lane to pass because there was a car in each line.

It happened quickly and powerfully. I saw how the crashed hood jumped in the air, how engine parts scattered on all sides; everything was moving in slow motion. In front of me, everything crashed with a terrible noise, clouds of a dust were raised as we went through the side rail guards. Through the dust clouds I saw the damaged car that I had hit and the people inside. There were a tall, skinny man and his wife. He was dressed in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. His face was deformed from horror. His wife also was nicely dressed and her mouth was open. She shouted in panic, but I did not hear her because of all the noise. We continued falling from the height and my car began rolling. In desperation I closed my eyes and covered my face and head with my hands. At that moment I hoped that it was just a nightmare. I waited for a second, but it seemed to me as long as an eternity. Then there was an impact. I was flung to the back of my seat and then pressed to my seat. Finally we stopped rolling; everything was silent and dark. No images, no sound, no feelings, absolutely nothing. I knew that I had to be strong; I had to wait until help arrived. I did not wish to die today. I was still too young. I tried to hear the helpful sound of the firefighters' alarm. If they would come fast then I would have a good chance to survive. I would spend some time in a hospital. Doctors would fix me and then all would became as well as it was earlier.

Best of luck with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP Dedyhka 1 / 1  
Mar 3, 2008   #3
Thank you very much!


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