Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Repairing our current roads would lead to many positive consequences

Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Nov 4, 2014   #1
If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Repairing our current roads would lead to many positive consequences. First and uppermost, public transportation rely a lot on the condition of the road. Second of all, it can immensely help us to be more appealing for tourists. This essay will clarify all the mentioned above reasons.

Nowadays, especially my home town, a plenty of people commence utilizing public transportation. Since, petrol and gas's price are getting higher and higher. Thus, they tend to skip using their private vehicle, some of them even decided to not afford a vehicle.


vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 4, 2014   #2
Vns, again, you misunderstood the essay prompt. You mentioned 2 things that you want to change about your hometown, you are only supposed to discuss one aspect of the town that you feel is most important and thus needs to be changed or rehabilitated. Choose only one between the two changes you discussed, make sure you choose the one most important to you and then develop that point completely within the essay. 3 paragraphs should suffice for that discussion. Don't forget to write an effective conclusion to the essay. Remember, either you write about the need to improve the roads or the need to preserve the historic parts of your town. You can't write about both.
OP Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Nov 5, 2014   #3
Louiss Mae, I tried to debate the reasons why our roads need to be repaired. Firstly, it will attract more tourist to visit our hometown

Secondly, it will help people who rely on public transportation.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 5, 2014   #4
Why are you arguing points in an essay that is not asking you to debate an issue? It is simply asking you to discuss the one thing in your hometown that you would like to change and explain why you want to change it. You were to use examples to support your claim. You chose 2 things that you want to change in your town instead of one. Read your essay prompt again and then review your essay. You will see that you accidentally presented 2 issues that you want to change in your town instead of one. Your reason about wanting to repair the roads is not a supporting reason but a secondary reason that you are discussing. If you were to discuss only one thing to change in your hometown and explain why, then choose the road because of the improvement in the economy that it will bring instead of the museum. When you choose the museum and then have to discuss the roads in support of it, you end up choosing 2 things to change in the town, not one :-)
OP Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Nov 5, 2014   #5
Roads are our main hometown's issue. It has lead us towards many problems such as traffic jams and ,furthermore, it does not appeal to tourist that much. Thereby, our roads is the thing that i would change if had the opportunity to choose.

Although, it is still movable on the road, however, due to numerous broken roads, from-time-to-time we had a large number of traffic jams or congestions, car accidents. People are immensely suffering from its consequences. To clarify, I can recall myself being late on classes, my teacher always lowering my grades on the test, as a result of me being late. Even though, she knew that my home has a long way to school. However, I perfectly understand that it was not her fault. After all, she just did what she meant to do. Another example. I remember when my dad arrived late on his first interview due to some unexpected car accidents. In fact, he had to help an injured person by bringing him to the hospital. Consequently, he could not arrive on time.

Moreover, our roads are the first thing that tourist usually look at by the naked eye. Sometimes, the road they see repels them from visiting many historical places. Since, it always consumes from them at least 2 hours in order to see those historical remnants of our hometown. Eventually, our country branded a notorious rumor associated with our road. Therefore, less and less tourists sightsee in my hometown. Envision yourself, being a tourist, obviously, time is precious for you and pretty much for anybody on this planet. Clearly, once you heard that it will take from you at least a few hours to check some remnants out. It can easily take the wind out of your sails. Furthermore, after coming to home sweet home, you will definitely share your horrible experiences with your friends or relatives. Thus, my hometown has had a notorious reputation so far because of our roads.

The aforementioned reasons examine that repairing our roads are essential. Firstly, there are countless congestions as a consequence of broken roads. Secondly, not many tourists visit our hometown due to our horrible roads as well.

Please check thoroughly my modified essay out!
I will take the toefl test on 21th of November.
Any critics are welcome.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 7, 2014   #6
Now this essay version definitely aligns itself with the prompt and shows us that you have a clear understanding of how to execute the expected information. Always take the time to analyze the essay prompts before you write your essay. Make sure that you understand all of the points required and that you are not providing too much or too little information in support of your claims. The same goes for if you are opposing an argument in an essay. If you can continue to develop your essay writing skills along this path, you are sure to gain a better grasp of the English written language and see a marked improvement in your future essay writing practice tests :-)

Home / Writing Feedback / Repairing our current roads would lead to many positive consequences