Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 2

Essay about replacing Art, Sport and Music subjects with subjects such as Information Technology


Wintermarchen 1 / -  
Nov 21, 2021   #1

some school subjects are not necessary



There is an upward trend of replacing Arts and physical-training subjects with Logical subjects and Sciences which has led to lots of mixed reviews. Some people consider it is good for children to improve their IQ and logical intelligence while others complain that this activity are taking part in killing the Arts geniuses. From my perspective, I totally agree with the second opinion.

First, as we all know that our brain is divided into two hemispheres: the left and the right and each takes charge of immensely different responsibilities while Sciences-related subjects are mostly left-brained. That prevents kids from overall personality development since they have to use their left brain to deal with a wide range of logical problems. It is good in some extent, but if a person just work on calculation and forget about emotion, no longer will they be human but a robot.

Moreover, some students are truly doing well with their right brain as Arts geniuses in the past did. They possess admirable creativity and imagination, as well as a natural ability which let them released extraordinary ideas for world innovation. However, Arts elimination has unconsciously labeled them as dreamy and stupid individuals.

In conclusion, despite key role of good Sciences foundation and logical thinking in 4.0 century, being man, the importance of emotion and creativity is still undeniable. Therefore, instead of replacing one thing by another one, why don't we seek a way to combine them wisely to bring better future for the next generations.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,948 3857  
21 hrs ago   #2
There is an upward trend of replacing

You are referring to this essay in terms of task 1 wording. This is not good to use in a task 2 essay. That is because this is considered a personal reference that does not related directly to the original prompt statement. This creates an inaccurate version of the original topic.

lots of mixed reviews

Aside from the fact that this is a non-academic phrase, you are also not responding directly to the reference question in the original promopt. So your opinion does not have any solid thesis reference for the discussion aspect. The summary of the discussion plus your opinion presentation lacks in clarity and strength.

I totally agree with the second opinion.

Summarize the 2 reasons why you disagree to create the discussion outline in relation to your opinion. That will make a solid opinion statement on your part.

However, Arts elimination has unconsciously labeled them as dreamy and stupid individuals.

This needs further explanation development. It is incomplete and does not clearly connect with your opinion. Explain why this labeling is bad for the student in a manner that supports your idea.

why don't we seek a way to combine them wisely to bring better future for the next generations.

2 problems with this presentation. First, you cannot use conjunctions (don't = do not) in academic writing. That is a GRA deduction. Second, there is no reference in your restatement that a solution statement is required in the discussion. Since you added this at the end of the summary conclusion, this will cause points deductions due to an incorrect reverse paraphrase. Do not include information that is not directly requested in the prompt requirement. If it was asked for, then it should have a stand alone defense paragraph in the body of paragraphs.


Home / Writing Feedback / Essay about replacing Art, Sport and Music subjects with subjects such as Information Technology