This is my essay for the topic, grateful to have any feedback.
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels health and fitness is decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
main reasons of the overweight problem in a society
Public health is negatively affected by the increasing overweight problem in some countries. In my opinion, there are several reasons can be used to explain this situation.
The two main reasons of overweight are overeating and less physical activities. One the one hand, people tend to overeat because there are genes laying inside our bodies to protect ourselves from starvation. These genes were developed from our ancestors who had been experienced the starvation for millions of years since the origination of human race. Until recently, due to the development of agriculture science, at the very first time, many people are no longer in the starvation situation as increasing food productivity. But the genes still encourage us to do so. On the other hand, this technology-based society requires less physical activities from us. We can get almost everything done without moving around. For example, we can do online shopping without going to the real store or use virtual reality technology to travel around the world without having real field trips. This trend makes us no way to consume the extra energy we take in.
In order to solve this problem, the government and society should work together as a whole. Firstly, the government should provide enough facilities to encourage people to do physical exercise, such as building sports facilities in the neighbor or park and organizing sports events on a regular basis. Secondly, social awareness of good eating habit should be emphasized through varies social media, like tv, Radio or internet. For example,
In conclusion, the lack of proper eating habit and physical exercises are the main reasons that cause the overweight problem and unhealthy condition. The ideal solution to address this problem is to encourage people sports or exercise regularly and form a balanced eating habit.
e the one hand
to encourage people to participate in sporting activities
Hope this helps!
Hi. Your thesis statement does not fully include the prompt, as it asks you for the causes and solutions but you only mentioned the first one. In addition, you should answer the question of the prompt in the introduction part, which are the causes and suggestions.
You over discussed in the second paragraph and your reasons literally confused me. It did not make any sense as you said: "people tend to overeat because ...". I think it's more of the natural instinct of human when the stomach tells us when we are hungry, not about the genetic.
You have not even finished your third paragraph 3 yet, and I'm afraid if this is a real test, you will be scored very low.
The conclusion was the only part that I appreciated on because it is too perfect and on-point in my point of view.
I hope my suggestion will help you with your writing. Have a good day.
In order to get a better understanding of how you can improve your writing skills,I would like to do a point by point review of your work starting with the grammar issues present in your current essay. I'll include any comments about your Lexical Resource as well since those two scoring considerations are connected to one another.
There is a comparative form mistake in your essay. rather than saying "less" physical activities, you should have used the term "fewer" because you are referring to the number of activities instead of the duration of activities. Try to familiarize yourself with the UK way of spelling English words as well. There is a tendency for the UK English speakers to write words that often include the letter U in their spelling while their American counterparts do not. So it is not "neighbor" (US spelling), but rather "neigbour" (UK spelling).
When discussing 2 ideas in one paragraph, avoid using numerical counts to connect these sentences. "On the one hand", "On the other hand", and numerical count outs are part of the "memorized" presentations that do not help to increase your C&C score. Try to use transition sentences and phrases instead that can connect the two ideas in one presentation. A sample connecting sentence for your first reasoning paragraph (second paragraph) is:
...physical activities. People tend to overeat because... These days though technological activity... Which is the government and society should work together to solve this problem.
One possible way the government can end this problem is by... While society can support the government by...
Looking at the reasons that cause people to be on the heavy side of the weight scale which include... The proposed government and social fixes that comprise of... means that...
With regards to your C&C, you just needed to connect is better as a single discussion point in the presentation. The mistake you made was that you did not do it within the 5 sentence presentation maximum. The proper format would have been:
1. Topic sentence
2. Supporting sentence
3. Transition sentence
4. Topic sentence
5. Supporting sentence
Using the above format, you will be able to maximize both the C&C and GRA scoring potential of each paragraph you write. Your run on sentence in the second paragraph could have pulled down your GRA score immensely in an actual setting because you presented too many ideas, separated by commas, but without ample explanations. Remember, the aim is to have you explain yourself clearly in every paragraph you present.
Going to the TA section of the scoring bracket, you seem to have misunderstood the point of this essay This is not a comparative essay discussion, this is a direct question discussion. In a direct question setting, you are to present the outline of your discussion paragraphs as part of the thesis statement. A presentation of discussion topics are required as the final presentation in the prompt paraphrase. You did not do that in this essay so your TA score could be lower because you did not fully represent the paraphrase requirements.