IELTS letter: requesting some information about the scholarship

Hi,everyone.
i'm preparing the IELTS and the writing is really a headache. today i wrote a IELTS letter for practice. i holp you can point the mistakes out. any suggestions are greately appreciated. thanks:

subjct: writing a letter to ask about some information about the scholarship. following information should be included in your letter.
1) who you are
2) why you apply the scholarship
3) what information you want

Dear Sir/Madam:
I'm writing to you to request some detailed information about the scholarship offered by your colleage

I'm a chinese student that received the enrollment offer of your colleage two weeks ago. i'm very excited that i have realized my dream . but unfortunately my family run into finacial problems. i'm afraid that i am not able to pay the tuition of this semester by the end of septermber that is the deadline noted on the offer. therefore applying scholarship is the last feasible solution to resolve my problem.

i have read some information at your colleage web site. i think i qualified to apply the computer scholarship that all the requirements are met including average score of the entrance examiniation and the minium age of the applicant. what's more, i have the ability to raise myself since i have contacted a software company and get a part-time job. but i'm not sure whether i can get the assistance and whether the assistance is enough for lacking of some important information such as qualification quatoes and the scholarship package size.

i trust you would consider my request by giving me the opportunity for further study.i'm looking forward to hear from you. thank you very much.

your faithfully/sincerely

XXX

I'm not sure how i can help you as I never write such a letter before,but from the viewpoint of common sense,I feel the language used in your application is somewhat solid and infrequent.May be the receiver will realize how dilemma your situation is and how eager you want to enter their college,but I believe things will become easier if you can elaborate on your situation with more details and patience as well as passions.Good luck

jue, thanks for your suggestions by which make the viewpoint more convinced by giving more elabration on the application reason

pgaur, thanks for your amendations

your comments do really help.