Please give me some feedback about my paras and conclusion!
Sure :DParagraph 1
My grandmother always used to say (1)
"happiness is real, when it is shared". Indeed, in the modern world, there are a vast (2)
amount of poor and rich countries. Who is responsible to help poorer nations? Some people claim that it is a duty of everyone, whereas others believe that only the governments of developing nations are responsible for such action. Personally, I completely agree with (3)
the words of my grandmother and believe that the duty of wealthy nations is to help to poorer ones.Comments:
(1) You'd better rewrite or omit this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect phrase is much more acceptable. As a result, they use it every time when they write. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the examiner at all to finish reading the essay. You may get penalised.
(2) Write 'number'. Amount followed by Uncountable noun.
(3) Verbose, meaning too many words. Write 'her words'Paragraph 2(1)
First and foremost, (2)
one must note that no country was poor from the (3)
get-go. In this sense, one of the principal reasons why some countries are poorer is that the resources of these nations were taken (4)
by force. For example, the United Kingdom is (5)
so wealthy country, because in earlier times it conquered a lot of nations and used the resources of others for nothing. As a result, the UK has become (6)
so rich by making others poorer. So, (7)
some countries must pay back their debts and provide them with food and education.Comments:
(1) This is very common expression.You'd better rewrite or omit this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect phrase is much more acceptable. As a result, they use it every time when they write. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the examiner at all to finish reading the essay. You may get penalized.
(2) One refers to ???? This can be categorized as VAGUE PRONOUN REFERENCE
(3) I am not sure that this word can be acceptable. Use the formal word/s, not the informal ones
(4) in the forces or by force?
(5 & 6) If you want to emphasize that something does a lot or to a great degree, then you should use this: so ... as to be
(7) I see you were trying to convince the readers by this sentence, but this lacks progressionParagraph 3
Secondly, one must admit that the Earth provides enough resources for every man, woman and child to live comfortably. However, there are some people in power that choose to hoard it all. As a result, 50% of all wealth of the Earth belongs to 20% of people. From my point of view, the wealth of the world must be allotted in a proper way. Even from the point of humanity, man's duty is to help to each other.Comments:
Mechanics are good, but some ideas come out nowhere
. Therefore this shows a weak paragraph.Paragraph 4:
(1) In conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the governments of rich nations must be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education.Comments
(1) This item is highly common.Use these less common lexical items:
The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
Given this evidence, it can be seen that ...
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