WT2-RETIREMENT AGE. SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT?

Q: Some people believe working adults should be required to retire at a certain age, while others say people should be able to work as long as they want to.

Discuss both views and give your opinion

A:
There has been an argument with regards to the age that working adults should retire. While some believe people should work as long as they wish to, I think the government should set a specific retirement age for working adults.

There are 2 main reasons why some people support no certain retired age. Firstly, since workers think they are still capable of contributing to the job, there is no obstacle to curb them from keeping doing what they love. For example, if a seventy-year-old man is still in good health condition and has a passion for work, he can even work more effectively due to his vast experiences in his field. Secondly, by rescinding the retired age in policy, disadvantaged persons can have more time to work and prevent not to plunge into financial crisis. In fact, in a poor family with many children, parents need to work longer and harder in order to raise their kids until they can become an independent person.

Besides, there are more compelling reasons to require working adults to retire at a certain age. One of the reasons is, by requiring people to retire at the same age, either a rich person or poor person, to achieve equality and a balance in society. For instance, if we all have retirement at 60 without counting other factors, such as illness or disability, no one would ever bemoan about privileges that any group of people has to retire sooner and contribute less. The second reason is to help people prepare their life after retirement better. The worker knows exactly when they will be off from work and can plan to enjoy the rest of their life by traveling, for example.

In conclusion, despite a debate in terms of the age of retirement, I support the government to set a particular age for working adults to be free from work and have a better time to enjoy the rest of their life.

It is important that you do not use exaggerated words in your presentation. There is no semblance of an argument in the original discussion topic. There is only a belief, 2 different beliefs in fact. So, rather than "argument", you should have used the word "beliefs" instead to reflect the differing opinions in the original presentation. Proper word usage, specially in the form of a synonym, can always help to boost your LR score. Be careful with word usage, always use the appropriate replacement word. The restated information you gave is incomplete. There are 2 points of view remember? So both points of view need to be presented in individual sentence presentations prior to your giving your personal opinion. Personally, I have seen my students get a better score in the actual test when, rather than presenting a single personal opinion in the discussion, they offer a personal opinion for each point of view. This allows the essay to be written in a quicker and clearer form, giving their overall score a boost in the eyes of the examiner.

If you review your essay, you should also see that you are discussing only one point of view throughout the 2 discussion paragraphs rather than discussing one of each public point of view per paragraph. You have used an incorrect discussion format in this presentation which will definitely pull down your overall score. In fact, I do not see this essay getting a passing score because the response is only correct to a certain degree. You spoke of only one point of view creating a tangential response, meaning your TA score will be limited to an almost, but not quite passing score.

Let me leave you with the proper paragraph format for this essay:

Par. 1: Prompt restatement
Par. 2: Public POV 1 + public reason / explanation + personal opinion
par. 3: Pub;ic POV 2 + public reason / explanation + personal opinion
Par. 4: Reverse paraphrase ( topic, 2 public and personal opinions)