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IELTS 2 - Retirement homes or Living with families? Which way is better for the elderly?


conviction 1 / 6  
Mar 20, 2014   #1
In many societies, elderly people often live in retirement homes. This is not appropriate because families should always care for their aging members. Do you agree?

Over the recent years, our attitudes toward elderly people have considerably changed. No one can deny the fact that a majority of old-age people are now residing in nursing homes. In my opinion, senior people should not be abandoned by their families at their old age. They will be in desperate need of emotional support more than any other period in life when they are old.

To begin with, it is the loneliness that elders suffer more than any other physical ailment during their old age; hence, it is essential that families should take care of the elders. In fact, having elderly people at home brings a lot of beneficial effects to the children. Children would be delighted to listen to historical events and stories from their grandparents. In addition, elders are the source of experience and they would be able to guide us when we stumble upon any issues. In fact, grannytheraphy often plays crucial role and still competes with highly sophisticated medical technologies.

India, the country where we live in, is bound by moral values and social responsibilities. Looking after elderly people has been part of our cultural system; therefore, it cannot be ignored. Furthermore, nursing homes may offer professional service to old age people but it cannot provide an environment of love and an unpaid care. Some people may contend that retirement villages are capable to aid elder people in the fast-moving world, but I believe it cannot give the hope and necessity to live.

In conclusion, we should not ignore the elders when they get aged. It is not only our moral responsibility but we are implying our children to take care of us when we get old.

I have rewritten the essay after reading others and would like to have your opinion.

OP conviction 1 / 6  
Mar 21, 2014   #2
Certainly appreciate your advise. Thank you.
dumi 1 / 7,022 1592  
Mar 21, 2014   #3
First, I have an admin request from you :)
You should have a more meaningful title in the subject field when you open a fresh thread. In this case your title has been attended by us :)

Over recent years, our attitudes toward aged people have changed considerably

Excellent hook :)

Well, this is your introduction and it is better that you introduce your topic to the reader and state your opinion rather than leaving him with questions.
OP conviction 1 / 6  
Mar 21, 2014   #4
dumi
Please accept my apologies profusely for the misleading title. Your point is well delivered. I value your suggestion about presenting the introduction part in an attractive manner.
MisterWandering 18 / 331 130  
Mar 21, 2014   #5
Over recent years, our attitudes toward aged people have changed considerably. What are the reasons for this change, and what are the implications for the future?

It is much better to state your opinion clearly in the introduction.

We are living in a fast-moving world and have been equipped with enormous amount of fascinating technologies.

You should start your body paragraph with a direct reason why some elderly people are living in retirement homes. This sentence seems a bit off-topic.

but it is really shame that we are ignoring our loved ones, especially when they get aged

Most people are so busy pursuing their business that they have little or no time to spend with their parents. That is why some of them even have to send their parents to nursing homes, citing it is the only way to guarantee these elders will be taken care of.
OP conviction 1 / 6  
Mar 21, 2014   #6
Thank you for your suggestions, MisterWandering. Looks like I will have to rewrite the whole essay to score band 7 :-)
dumi 1 / 7,022 1592  
Mar 22, 2014   #7
Please accept my apologies profusely for the misleading title.

That's absolutely ok. Follow my instructions about the title when you open your next thread :)

Over the recent years, our attitudes toward elderly people have considerably changed.

Here, your hook is fine. But you haven't introduced the background of the issue very well. Here's a sample;
Today, many elderly people live in elders' homes either by their choice or not. Some people argue that this is not ethical because it is the responsibility of their families to take care of their aging members.
OP conviction 1 / 6  
Mar 22, 2014   #8
This is perfect, Dumi. Are you okay with the body of the essay, sentence structure, vocabulary, choice of words, and grammar?
dumi 1 / 7,022 1592  
Mar 22, 2014   #9
; hence,Therefore it is essential that families should take care of the elders.
crystal941 6 / 10 2  
Mar 22, 2014   #10
Well, I'd like to suggest you a bit different approach for your body paras. Follow this;

Hi dumi,

Can I use a concession pattern in " agree or disagree" essay?

Introduction

Body 1 : The opposite idea is reasonable, + explantion... However, I believe...

Body 2 : Idea 1 (reason 1) + example

Body 3: Idea 2 (reason 2) + example

Conclusion
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,225 457  
Mar 23, 2014   #11
Hellooo friend... :D

; therefore,

I have seen this from some corners of the world. However, you'd better use the high standard one by putting a period before therefore, not semi-colon.

nursing homes may offer professional service to old age people but it cannot provide

what refers to...???

the country where we live in, is bound by moral values and social responsibilities.

Try not to split the subject and the verb by putting one comma.
Possible suggestion: the country (a comma) where we live in (a comma) is ...

pattern in " agree or disagree" essay

you take a position, then need a lilt 'struggle' to defend it strongly by giving a reason to support your point of view. In the next paragraph, it is useful to acknowledge the opposite view (counter argument) and say why you don't accept it.

5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Hope this helps :D
OP conviction 1 / 6  
Mar 23, 2014   #12
Thank you all for your time and suggestions. I certainly appreciate it.

Well, I'd like to suggest you a bit different approach for your body paras. Follow this;

Thank you

I have seen this from some corners of the world. However, you'd better use the high standard one by putting a period before therefore, not semi-colon.

I learned it in a webpage that we can use semicolon in place of period to separate two sentences where conjunction has been left out. I thought of adding semicolon because it may make the essay more attractive and formal. I'd rather use a period to avoid committing mistakes.

Try not to split the subject and the verb by putting one comma.
Possible suggestion: the country (a comma) where we live in (a comma) is ...

India, the country where we live in, is bound by moral values and social responsibilities. - Are you suggesting this? I used comma before and after 'where we live in' because the expression is not essential and it may interrupt the sentence flow.

conviction:
nursing homes may offer professional service to old age people but it cannot provide
what refers to...???

My bad!!! Thank you for it.


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