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[IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Rewarding outstanding employees by giving them extra money


UN27042000 1 / 1  
Dec 5, 2019   #1

recognition and respect



TOPIC:
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others.

To what extent is this style of management effective?
Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard?


ESSAY:
In the art of management, admiring employees for their outstanding performances is an indispensable way to uphold the motivation and endeavor for working. One of the most common methods is to pay a better compensation which may reach some members' satisfaction, while causing demerits to the others. From my perspective, there are several measures to tribute the extra - ordinary staff which are required to be taken rationally depending on their demands. This essay will analyze the practice above comprehensively and introduce other popular styles of management.

Practically, there are various types of employees with different needs, which can be categorized specifically into five levels, according to Maslow hierarchy of needs. Those standing in the two first group concern mostly about basic human activities and physiological materials, including safety, employment to make ends meet, ...They are mainly manual laborers or employees with low salary, easily being content with bonus, as to better their living condition. In fact, the willingness to work diligently derives from the hope to ease daily spending burden and earn a financial surplus. It is inevitable that a majority of job - seekers, especially graduates, take higher consideration into well - paid jobs at first, in which stage, money is their affection in working.

On the other hand, in terms of professional employees, giving extra money is not a sensible way to reinvigorate them. Having reaped several benefits, including a high salary to fulfill their lowest human needs, they are on their ways to reach higher ones such as self - esteem and -actualization. As the matter of fact, recognition and respect from others act as a trigger for the hard working and substantial contribution. Based on this very theory, employers can introduce a reputation award, for instance, entitling the remarkable employee of the month, the year..., presenting their names on the honor board or as representatives of the company...Another means is to reward them with a further education and training in their specialization or soft skills.

In conclusion, a competent and considerate employer is deemed to know their employees' potential and internal demands thoroughly in order to apply the most suitable style of management that satisfies a large number of the company's members.

thaithu 4 / 9 2  
Dec 6, 2019   #2
Your essay is very good, you use Mashlow hierarchy model as a basis of your idea, which could hep your to improve your score. Grammar and structure I think is approriate, I just suggest you use some inversion sentences in your essay to show off more.
OP UN27042000 1 / 1  
Dec 7, 2019   #3
@thaithu
Thank you very much. I really appreciate your comment as it will help me a lot to improve my writing skill and earn a high score in the IELTS exam.
Erinma - / 1 1  
Dec 10, 2019   #4
@UN27042000
Your essay is so good. However, the conclusion seem to introduce a new perspective or statement (thereby straying away from the main topic). A conclusion should be the paraphrasing of the question asked plus the summary of the the points made in paragraph one and two. In this type of essay You can introduce another advice or perspective ( like you did) after you have done this.
Thangnguyen315 8 / 24  
Dec 11, 2019   #5
@Erinma
Overall. your essay is pretty decent with kind of error-free in grammar mistakes. I suggest you to restate more clearly anout your opinion in the conclusion in a direct way to the question cuz I think you could get a higher CC score by this!
HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Dec 11, 2019   #6
Hi there,
I have some opinions about your essay. I hope it helps.

1/ Grammar
There are so many grammar mistakes related to word choices and collocations. Here are some examples:

- endeavor for working => to work. We say endeavor to do something for both Noun and Verb.
- demerits to the others => of
- to tribute the extra - ordinary staff which are required....=> to pay tribute to the extraordinary staff who are required....... You should have used "who" instead of "which" in this sentence because "staff" is a person.

- fulfill their lowest human needs => There is no need to say "human" here because we all know that you're talking about human in this context and that word barely contributes to the meaning of the sentence.

Here are some inappropriate words, apart from some good word choices, that make it so hard to understand your essay. I only point out some words in the introduction paragraph, and you might want to have a look at the entire essay.

- You should not use the word indispensable in this context because it means "someone or something that is indispensable is so important or useful that it is impossible to manage without them.

- to uphold the motivation => The world "uphold" is inappropriate because we use this word mostly in court, and "uphold the motivation" is not a correct collocation.

- reach some members' satisfaction => We have "reach out to somebody" or "reach somebody" (succeed in talking to someone or succeed in making someone understand or accept what you tell them)

- etc.

2/ The content of the essay

- You are over limited words. You wrote 367 words. Although IELTS writing task 2 requires you to write at least 250, that doesn't mean you go far over the limit. You won't have enough time to write that many words in the actual exam. I think you should try to shorten your writing (260-280).

- I barely see the connection between the paragraphs. This is a "double - questions" type in task 2, and you didn't answer or state your idea regarding question 1 in your introduction paragraph.

- Your ideas are too general and don't fully develop. "Several measures" or "the practice above" are not a specific idea. What are the particular measures and what practice is it? Because you didn't write specifically, the links between the paragraph are very loose.

- You use too much intensive information, which is unnecessary in IELTS writing task 2. For example, you mentioned "five levels", "Maslow hierarchy of needs", "two first group concern", etc., and you don't explain clearly what five levels are, or what is the Maslow hierarchy of needs? and what group concern you are talking about? If the information in your essay is not clear, precise, and concise to the question, you will hardly get your desired score.


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