Hallo, My name Vike Darliyasi, and I'm IELTS student.
I need feedback in term of task achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resources, grammatical range and accuracy
different strengths and weaknesses of men and women
Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weakness. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?
Basically, females and males might have the divergent of strength and weakness. It is totally wrong because in today's world all of the genders have the same opportunities, and no do successful people depend on the sex, but it depends on the people's hard work.
In this era, gender equality becomes the hot issues in all over the world. People have the same occasion to having a job, not depends on the sex as long as they have good skill in that job. For example, hitherto, a man can become a barber in women's barber shop because he has a great skill in cutting hair and making an amazing female hair's style. It is totally different with few years ago which is male cannot take that job because of the different sex. At that time, it might be the ancient people think male will damage women's hair, hence they do not allow cutting the women's hair.
Subsequently, someone's success is not based on the genders. If people give the big effort to get something, they could take it all. Moreover, skill can be created by giving training for the people. For instance, females could be more success in repairing of a car than males as women have the high automotive skill. Although the automotive job is a men job, it does not mean that women cannot do it also. From that example shows that there is no gender needed to become a successful person.
To summarize, all of the people have similar chance to do everything in their life, and giving more efforts is one of the key to gain the success, not based on the genders.
you should not write a question in your introduction.
and in the same part, I think it should be "weaknesses"
"the hot issue
"few years ago which is male cannot.." => could not
"it might be the ancient people thinking"
"they do not allow cutting ..." => they were not allowed to cut
From that example shows"
I think you should use "gender requirement" in stead of "gender needed"
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,223 4319
Vike, your opening paraphrase is confusing as it does not represent a proper discussion topic nor discussion process indicator. It is not a very good presentation because you are not focusing on developing a sentence structure that clearly explains what the original prompt is about. An example of a clear prompt paraphrase is:
The male and female species tend to have a variation in terms of abilities. Men are seen as the stronger gender and women are the weaker sex. It is based on this perception that businesses tend to hire each gender. I believe that it is wrong to hire people in the workforce based on a bias regarding their abilities to perform a task.
Notice that my first sentence created a reproduction of the topic sentence in the original prompt. The second sentence, restated the reason for the discussion, and the third sentence, responded to the question posed in the original prompt. This completely represents the original prompt requirements in an original paraphrase.
While your sentence structures are problematic and have a great difficulty in expressing your thoughts, I managed to make out what you wished to say after a few repeated readings. This means that the passages you wrote create stress for the reader which will have a direct effect on your GRA plus C&C scores. Your LR usage is allowable to a certain extent although the mistakes sometimes create funny sentence structures that make the reader wonder what you wish to say. For example. I don't think you meant to say ancient people but rather "past generations" to indicate how gender beliefs functioned in previous decades.
Now, I will say that for a first timer, this is not a bad effort. You are at least making a decent effort at writing complex and simple sentences although you sometimes fail to do both. However, I know that as long as you have separate sentence structure development exercises, your essay writing skills will begin or continue to improve. As of now, I do not wish to score your efforts as I would you to focus on improving your overall skillset rather than focusing on specific areas but then allowing other points to suffer or degrade in writing quality. I will score your essays as I see the improvements happening. I'll give you a score when the time is right :-)
1. You're absolutely not writing an exactly the topic sentences in your essay, you have to substitute your idea, words.
2. You show your too much examples but not reveals what the core of the correct to exclude the profession of gender is.
3. You should write a conclusion after a single paragraph, an example to impress, why you include these are.
4. You're repeated many times:
+ [...]someone's success is not based on the genders. If people give the big effort to get something[...]
+ [...]It is totally wrong because in today's world all of the genders have the same opportunities, and no do successful people depend on the sex, but it depends on the people's hard work.[...]
> Should not: 'It is' is the opening sentences.
> 'no do successful people depend on the sex' compared to 'but it depends on the people's hard work' is not suitable and is NOT of the MAIN HEADING of the topic.
> The success of someone is should not the key in your essay, you relapse its too much.
5. Do not just write the 'opposite' sentences, you have to 'spread' what you're trying to mention.