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Essay For My Right To Be Me- feedback


TheMadHatter 2 / 3  
Apr 7, 2010   #1
Assignment-
Tell us about a Canadian Human Rights problem that affects you or your friends.


Essay- My Right To Be Me

"To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." -e.e. cummings

The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms was a bill of rights that formed the first part of the Constitution of Canada. It became official with Queen Elizabeth the Second's signature on April 17, 1982, and was created to allow people to be individuals, and to let us be free to make our own choices. Although the Charter is still in place, people have had their rights violated by their peers every second of every day.

Individualism is a very tough thing to come by, with all the 'fads' of today, and with such high standard images being burned into the scalps of every teenage girl that reads fashion magazines. No matter where you turn, the media shapes your opinions to what 'perfection' should be like. "Size matters", "Wear skirts and low tops", "Only designer clothes are pretty". Girls are constantly bombarded with these messages. Even the men are not safe, with commercials and advertisements telling them to dress in suits, keep cleanly shaven, and some advertisements even hint that if your bodies aren't bulging with muscles, you don't fit in with society's 'image'.

What happened to freedom of expression? What happened to freedom of thought? Nowadays if you even speak differently then social standards, you are slaughtered with cruel words, pushed around, and in some harsher cases you could even end up dead. Suicide is an increasing problem, and when someone is constantly being picked on by their peers, it can create a message in their head that being individual is wrong. Contrary to what people think, the problem isn't limited to high school. From elementary school until the day you die, if you want to be yourself, it will come with a high price. Almost no one will stop try to turn you into a clone of society.

I can certainly support this with my own experiences. Ever since I was a child, I knew I was different. I always was daydreaming, living in my own little wonderland, and not quite caring about what other kids thought of me. As soon as I could buy clothes for myself, I dressed the opposite of any kids in my class. I didn't believe that there was such thing as 'genders', I was bisexual, and even before I came out of the closet everyone seemed to know. The other children were afraid of me. They were repulsed by me and I had few friends. By the time I was in junior high, I had literally no friends at all. I only had me, myself, and I. This cruel reality caused me to go home crying every single evening. My agony almost pushed me over the edge, as I stared at a cold slab of wall, thinking about how tasteful a nice stain of red would look covering it.

In high school, their forms of bullying changed. Ignoring me wasn't as fun as watching my face go red with anger and anguish when they called me 'emo' and told me to slit my wrists. I've even had people tell me I should 'do everyone a favour and slit my throat instead'. It was terrifying; I expected that at any moment, someone might do that for me. Even today I hear people talking behind my back, and as I walk down the hallway, people give me looks of disgust and disrespect. Ignorance is a frightening thing.

People's ignorance is what creates things that allow for people to group us off. Of course it's much more difficult is it to be individual when we have imaginary 'cliques' that apparently everyone belongs to. These stereotypes are what are used to help bullies single people out. Let's face it: almost everyone is guilty to comparing perfect strangers to these outrageous stereotypes. You see a man wearing dark make-up and all black clothes, so you think he must be a Satan worshipping goth freak. Then a girl walks by wearing a low-cut, pink shirt and a short skirt, so you figure she must be a slutty, gossiping prep girl. Gangster, weeaboo, freaks, nerds... the possibilities for grouping people together seems to be endless. People who stereotype others need to realize this little fact: we are not emo, hicks, loners, or whatever other label you'd like to stick onto us. We are only people, just like you.

Thankfully, I go to a small school where the individuals slightly outnumber the ignorant. It is terrible though, to see that this problem is starting to appear in younger and younger age groups. The poisoning of stereotyping and subliminal messaging in the media is appearing in younger grades, and I think it's just wrong. Suicide that may have been caused by harassment from peers is starting to appear more often in younger age groups. Young adults and teenagers are the second most popular age group to die from suicide, and most of those were caused by depression. Imagine how many of those cases of depression were caused by harassment by their peers.

Did all our rights and freedoms go out the window? There is no one safe from having their rights being violated, even if they may lie and act like everything is alright. Not dressing and acting the way you want to is lying to yourself, and to me, that is a crime. It's a crime because if everyone was individual, no one would be singled out anymore. No one would have to harbour the pain and humiliation of being bullied. No one would go home to stain their pillows with tears. No one would need to fight, and no one would have to fight.

So we, the individuals, continue our fight for peace and freedom. We will continue to carry the torch of expression, and we will all stand high. We fight for all of you, and we will continue our fight, because even if being individual is the hardest battle of any human on the planet, we plan to fight it forever, even after we are gone.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 8, 2010   #2
Although the Charter is still in place, people have had their rights violated by their peers every second of every day.--- (okay, but add one more sentence before ending the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells the main point of this essay. Get specific here, at the end of the intro paragraph.)

This is confusing: People's ignorance is what creates things that allow for people to group us off.

the individuals slightly outnumber the ignorant. --- the ignorant are individuals, too!

You are writing that lots of human rights are being violated, but I don't think the goal is to write this way. you should choose one big issue and explain how it is affecting you. This is not the same as saying lots of your rights are being taken away.

I googled and found an example of a human rights issue: Arthur Ray says Canada's biggest unresolved human rights issue is this: Aboriginal land claims.
OP TheMadHatter 2 / 3  
Apr 8, 2010   #3
1- Very good idea, I didn't really think of this. It would help me to expand my essay a little bit, and in my opinon, the longer the better.

2- I know, I didn't quite know how to put that... I'll change it after thinking about it a bit.

3- The big issue for me is that the freedom of thought and freedom of expression are being violated. I don't really see where I refered to anything else. If you could explain this more to me it would really be a help, I'm not sure what you're saying.

4-Well... that would help, except for that right issue doesn't really concern me or my friends, and not to be cruel or anything, but in my opinon, that shouldn't be considered an issue. If they want to be 'equal' to us, they shouldn't get special treatment.

Thank you for your imput, I'll slightly shift some things in my essay.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 9, 2010   #4
Well, you talk about it several ways: What happened to freedom of expression? What happened to freedom of thought?... bullying... you talk about a lot of concepts like individualism...

But in answer to the question, "What Canadian human rights problem is affecting you and your friends," is a human right being violated? I think Canada is among the countries that allow the most freedom of expression, so it does not seem right to choose it as a human rights issue. But that is just my own perspective, I think I am probably wrong. But I do advise this: Find a place to answer the question in a single sentence, like, "A Canadian human rights issue that has personal significance to me is __________."

Okay, I figured out how to tell you what i think should be done to this essay. Look at this list of topic sentences:

I can certainly support this with my own experiences.

In high school, their forms of bullying changed.

People's ignorance is what creates things that allow for people to group us off.

Thankfully, I go to a small school where the individuals slightly outnumber the ignorant.

Did all our rights and freedoms go out the window?

The topic sentence for paragraphs often is used to tell the main idea of the paragraph so that the reader's mind can deeply experience the idea of each paragraph. If you revise these sentences (or add a sentence to precede each), you ca start each paragraph with a sentence that succinctly makes the point the paragraph intends to make. Then, the next sentences give examples to support it, and the final sentence of the paragraph reflects on th point and/or transitions to the next paragraph.

You can change your topic sentences (first sentence in a paragraph) in a way that will dramatically change the reader's experience.


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