Hi everyone, I'm going to take a test in the next two weeks, so please help to correct my essay and feel free to give any comment on this essay :) Thanks in advance.
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
In these days, we see many children apply for an extra work to get a salary at the early age. There are some arguments related to this trend whether it is good or bad to allow children to work themselves. In my view, I believe that the positive aspects far outweigh the detrimental sides with various reasons. In this essay, both sides will be examined.
It is absolutely that children are in the stage of learning. Many people concern that if young people start their extra jobs, it will distract them from focusing on their school lessons. Children might not be able to separate their work life from their study life. Furthermore, we can see many children enter into some illegal jobs, such as being a drug dealer, at a very early age. It is undeniable that some kind of works are more attractive and generate them more money than others, and, sometimes, parents do not have enough time to take care of and control their children to apply for the right job. As a result, it would lead children to the dark aspects of working, at the stage that they have not learned to distinguish bright side from the dark side.
However, a lot of people feel that there are numerous advantages for young people involving working an extra job. Firstly, applying for paid work is the very beginning lesson to learn to realise the real value of money. Research from Chulalongkorn University, the leading university in Thailand, revealed that 70% of children who used to involve in extra jobs have a deep understanding about the value of money and be able to realise how hard their parents attempt in generating money for them each month. Moreover, it teaches them financial management skill. The research also showed that they tend to save more money themselves without their parents' instructions. They automatically know how to manage money for both spendings and savings for their future. Another important aspect, it provides them with a chance to learn life skills. Some skills, such as interpersonal skill, negotiation skill, and so on, are particular skills that the school could not teach them, but working does. Several surveys confirmed that employees who have working experience at the early ages showed more confidence and a better communication skill at work.
To conclude, many people might say it is a wrong belief to send a child to work at the early ages, however, I believe that working at younger ages could benefit the child further, no matter with a better financial management, life skill, and many more. If parents know how to look after their child and control them carefully in selecting the most appropriated extra job, this, working an extra job, will help broaden their views in the way they could not learn from a school.
Natt, in a real test, you need to play safe because there are many considerations that you should think of. I would like give you some advice regarding to what might happen in the real test and what you need to improve in this essay.
What might happen and its solution:
- Pressure. It is possible for you to have brain-freeze in the middle of the test. Therefore, using fixed pattern of writing might come up as the solution.
- False interpretation. It is also possible to realize that what you are writing is actually out-of-topic in the last minute of the exam. You need to really strong in making a plan. Make sure that all of your ideas are NOT off-topic.
What you need to improve:
- This essay 'body paragraphs' were lack of conclusion. You have to bear in your mind that every 'body paragraph' has to have a concluding sentence in the last part (except agree and disagree, people usually put 'concession'). For example, you can -rephrase topic sentence/summarize the paragraph into a sentence-
- This essay is quite bulky, or too bulky perhaps. I think you need to reduce the words usage. It is almost twice the prompt. The prompt only tells the candidate to write minimum 250 words, your essay is about 470 words. Rethink again, can you cope with the pressure and writing as much as this one?
- Bulk essay often leads to repetitive words usage. This is also dangerous on your Lexical Resource part. Don't you realize in 2nd body paragraph you wrote -skill(s)- 7 times, and -money- 5 times?
- Adding 'research' is okay, but I think real example(s) from experience/factual event(s)/well-known event(s) is better than 'research'.
As you can see Natt, I hope you can follow through my feedback. I am waiting for your upcoming essay practice soon. :)
