IELTS task 2: The rise of overweight children in developed countries

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I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Please gimme your suggestion to improve my: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Other believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. Discuss.

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Answer:

Throughout the history, anthropological studies show Queen Inhapy, Hatshepsut and King Ramses III who were the most famous and the earliest proof of overweight people. During that time, it was assumed that the more people weighed, represented a higher rank in social status. Unfortunately, this extra weight for some people who live in modern era may cause health problems. In developed countries, the number of overweight children, for example, grows faster. This presently comes from the majority of growing fast food and parents who neglected children's health. Analyzing these issues to unfold the reasons why obesity in children increases particularly in developed countries will be examined before coming on to a final decision. My inclination is argued further.

Admittedly, American-founded fast food chains have succeeded with outlets across the globe. The other reason why the popularity of the quick-service restaurants booms is because they serve tasty convenient food for a reasonable price. Again, almost 70% of the fast food restaurants have on-site playgrounds and offer free toys or other giveaways to attract children. In America, one in four families with children visits the fast food restaurant everyday. Even though this food is loaded with high fat content, some people particularly those having school age choose this food as their main meals. For example, a McDonald's Big Xtra Hamburger contains 790-to-810 calories, while 300 ml of Pepsi has 170 Calories. It means if schoolchildren eat that, they will have approximately 980 calories. As a result, children will have a lot of weight gain.

The second view also argues many parents could not supervise their children activities: a lack of energy balance and a waste of pocket money, which could also cause overweight. For example, if parents go to work, children spend too much time viewing TV while munching snack food. Not surprisingly, a lot of kids are overweight couch potatoes today, because children's energy IN doesn't balance on energy OUT. Again, some parents in developed countries provide a regular sum of money giving to their children. With the pocket money, children could buy their daily necessities. But, do the children know how to use the money appropriately? The answer is sadly 'NO'. Most children buy something is not suitable for their health, such as fast food containing salt and artery-clogging cholesterol.

Ultimately, considering the two factors which are not secondary, overweight in children has been an accurate portrayal of life in developed countries. Where possible, I think parents should consider what children do as to maintain healthy life.

During that time, it was assumed that the more people weighed the higher their ranking was in society.

Maybe change that sentence up or add to it. feel like the comma should be taken out or something added to make it more cohesive.

Well, have you been able to complete this task within 30 mins? Your essay looks pretty lengthy. Especially your intro seems to be very very long and I personally feel that you don't have to write such detailed intros. If you struggled with time, you better concentrate more on completing the task on time rather than lengthening your essay. This task has a major bearing on time.