mother is first school for everyone
Arabian people said "mother is first school for everyone". This show that parents have a role to educate their children before going to school later. Does parents take their babies to school on the next day after just born to this world, to be taught everything including how to be a good members of society? The earliest babies will go to school may be 2 or 3 years later.
When the babies has started to recognize their parents, their families, their friends, and also their environment, parents have to educate their children how to play well. For examples, parents educate their children to share their own food or drink to friends, lend their own toys to whoever wants to borrow it, say greetings when meet each others, say sorry when guilty, and much more. What the result if parents just rely on school? Does parents just feed their children, bathe, lull, give everything desire, and shut up when their children are crying, without educate socialization?
When children have entered school, it doesn't mean that the role of parents in educate their children finished and then turn over to teachers in the school. No. Parents still have to educate their children. Precisely parents must to give more attention to their children. Why? At children's new world which is school, they meet more people and see anything new in the world, both at school or along the way to school and when return from school. So parents have to filter children development. It could be the children saw something bad or got bad treatment from their friends at school. If parents don't filter the children development, the children can to do bad treatment to other. Children who are controlled by their parents are not necessarily good. Children can be a good member in their family but be bad member out of home. Or vise versa. Children can be a good student in the school but be bad child at home. We don't know that. It mean that education is not enough only in the school. In fact, home is a place to filter self from anything new that we got outside. So role of parents to educate their children wouldn't be end.
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Since you did not upload the prompt for the essay you wrote, I cannot accurately assume that you are discussing this based on the proper prompt requirements. The original version of this prompt that I know of, requires a comparative discussion between the role of parents and teachers in regard to teaching children to be good members of society. After which, your opinion, regarding which side you believe to be more responsible for that act, should be discussed.
You have offered a single opinion discussion, with prompt deviating rhetorical questions in your essay. It does not, in my opinion, follow the previous prompt discussion requirements. Again, I am basing this on the standard prompt for this discussion. I would have been able to review this essay with more accuracy if you had provided a copy of the original prompt.
The essay you have written, for a task 2 presentation is too long. You only have 40 minutes to write this paper in a relevant manner. That is why you are advised to write no more than 5 sentence per paragraph. You approach this as if you were writing a speech instead of a simple opinion paper. You are practically orating in this presentation. Only clear explanations, in quick but meaningful forms are required for this type of presentation. You will run out of time during the actual test if you try to write something this long. You will lose sight of the original discussion topic, which, I assume, is what happened in this presentation.