I had to write an essay (advanced level), 300-350 words and it would be nice iof you to tell me what do you think about it. Here it is:
Do you believe that there exist certain "rules of the game" in society? How safely can one refuse to play by the rules in society? What are the consequences of not playing by the rules? Give examples.
Society has always been a synonym of a strict system with its own rules. Yes, there are ones. WHETHER its's safely to break them and is it necessary refers to the certain century and individual point of view. The consequences can be both destructive and revolutionary. It is still a matter of self-consciousness and choice whether to be part of the system or not.
There are certain norms that every man is supposed to follow as a citizen. Some of them are written and some of them are not. They are created in order to keep a balance in the society. No matter what these principles say, they have this one aim - to enforce obedience and make people equal. This vicious system does not like the different ones. One must respect the law and be faithful to the ideology.
Let's take the Communism for instance. It is the perfect example of how society reflects upon the individual. No one is allowed to have their own opinion, but they are compelled to be unified and to swear by the system. These are the rules of the game, and whoever dares to defy, shall be cast out.
History, however, shows that these rules are frequently violated. Those who dare to do this are more often the young people, who don't respect the boundaries and chains that society enforces. We can give many examples but that is definitely not the point. What matters is how safely it is to break the rules and disobey and what will this result in.
One who refuses to follow "the rules of the game" immediately becomes a malefactor to the authority and a hero to all the others. This man is the rebel, the creator, the destroyer. Hitler was such a man. What he did is considered as a crime by ones, but for others is believed to be a heroic deed in the name of the ideal, the dream of a lifetime. The consequence for what he did was a kind of anathema but it is nothing before the refusal to be a" part of the herd", to be deprived of individuality.
In my view every human should try not to be blinded by the morals that the system dictates. We must stand for our opinions and ideals. We shouldn't be scared to break a certain rule, because this is what makes us different. One great man once said: "he individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
great sources of analytical thoughts and arguments.
In order for this to be an "advance level" essay, I encourage you to use more complex and higher standard vocabulary terms.
This is a great first draft :-) However, I think you could enhance this piece~
Are you meant to write in First person? Normally academic writing is in Third Person.
You need to go over the grammar.
You have no citations/referencing; e.g., "There are certain norms that every man is supposed to follow as a citizen".
Just to note, using "man" is not 21st century academic speak, human/person/man, woman and child etc.
Some sentences are just stuck in there~ they need to be expanded on. e.g., "Yes, there are ones."
You need an introduction and conclusion.
Let me know how it goes.
This is a really good first draft but you should switch around with the words. Use higher vocab
Thank you very much for your recommednations! It is really a draft and i will work on it! :)
It is still a matter of self-consciousness and choice whether to be part of the system or not.
This (above) seems like the main idea that you are trying to convey. If you make it more specific, the whole essay will be more poignant. Revise this thesis sentence by looking at the paragraphs that follow it and re-writing it so that it is more specific but still remains well-supported by the rest of the essay.
That is the power in the thesis statement; it can determine the power of the whole essay. I hope this helps!!!
A good way to start this sort of essay is by defining your key terms. So, what do you mean by "society?" Also, are you talking about "society" as a universal concept, or are you using it to refer to a specific society or set of societies (such as Western democracies)? What do you understand the phrase "rules of the game" to mean? Does it refer to laws? norms? stated social values? actual social practices? some combination of these? Also, what do understand the term "safely" to mean? Physical safety? social safety? economic safety? some combination of these? Once you have established what you mean by all of the key terms, constructing a logic argument about the relationship between them is usually easy. If you don't pick set definitions, though, logic goes out the window fairly quickly.
For instance: A man who chooses to dress and act like a "Goth" in America is defying social norms, which means he is refusing to play by the rules of the game. He suffers no government penalty for his choice. Therefore it is safe not to play by the rules of the game.
If we then take this conclusion, and turn it into a premise:
"It is safe not to play by the rules of the game."
and combine it with another premise
"A man who protests against the government publicly in China is not playing by the rules of the game."
We get the following conclusion:
"It is safe to publicly protest government policy in China."
Note that the conclusion here, though derived by perfectly valid logic, is absolutely false. That's because the terms "society" and "rules of the game" are being defined differently in the first example than they are in the second. This is why you need solid definitions to anchor your essay.
