Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Running away - essay writing

learningtowrite 32 / 50  
Apr 17, 2008   #1
Hi, can you help me look through this piece? Thanks so much!

Running away

David was fed up. The last bit of injustice was just too much for anyone to take.
How could his mother let his sister leave her room messy and yet shout at him for not putting away his toys?
After circling around his room for the third time, David made up his mind. He had to run away. Only then could his mother realise how mean she was to him. Carefully so as not to upset his toys, he grabbed the handkerchief that his grandmother gave him long ago and tied it around his head. Then, quickly he fashioned a small backpack and put his favourite Baby Blue book in together with his stuffed bear. Threw on his jacket, quietly, he slipped out of his room and tiptoed into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, agilely David climbed up onto the counter and opened the cupboards, looking for something he could take away. Once he found his favourite peanut butter crackers, he got down and found his way to the refrigerator, where he fished for a few apples. Feeling prepared, he picked up his backpack and gingerly walked towards the front door. A whole new world opened up in front of him as the door opened.

David turned back on the sidewalk and proudly walked his steps of freedom. Every now and then, he would turn back to see if Claudia was following him, and his heart would leap with joy to see that behind him were all strangers. He walked for a few minutes, and realised that his stomach was growling, so carefully he sat down on a plight of stairs and got an apple. Crunching the apple, David sat back to enjoy the jovial world around him. A wand of sunlight gently fell across his face, warming him. The adults on the streets were scurrying past him. A sense of satisfaction ran through David's mind; he smiled as he knew that he had made the right choice. This was peace. This was freedom.

David came back to his senses when he realised he had eaten the entire apple. Sighing slightly, David packed his belongings and continued his journey, turning left again.

This continued for a couple of hours, until the sun turned a dull glow in the overcast sky. Finally David managed to find a cosy place to camp for the night. He sat down on the soft grass under a big tree. This place reminded David a lot of his old house, where he would go out and play football with Claudia every afternoon. Heaving a sigh, David pulled out his peanut butter crackers and read his Baby Blue for a while.

Suddenly, a knock on a door nearby startled David awake. His Baby Blue had slipped off his hands onto his lap. It took him a while to get his bearings. The tree was dancing their awkward waltz, blowing heavy wind, making David quiver. It was getting really dark, and he had no idea where he was. His heart was pounding wildly. What if the owner of the house was going to drive him away? What if the house's owner had called the police to arrest him? David dared not speak. He closed his eyes and curled his legs into a ball, trying to be invisible.

A second later, the door creaked open.
A second later, he heard footsteps.
A second later, his eyes were blinded by the torchlight. Blood beat within his temples. Fear gripped him entirely.

A familiar, reassuring voice echoed in his ear, "Son, are you ready to go home?"
David turned back. Too afraid to say anything, he nodded his head slightly, his eyes tearing up. David's dad took him into his protective arms, grabbed his things on the ground and handed David his stuffed bear, which he hugged with the fiercely with the intensity of a frightened four-year-old kid.

"Alright kiddo, let's go inside." David's dad whispered into his ears as they crossed their backyard and stepped in their cosy house.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Apr 17, 2008   #2

I love this story! I'm especially fond of the twist at the end. You have a real knack for capturing the viewpoint of children. I have only a few suggestions:

You might want to mention in paragraph one that David's sister is named Claudia. That way the reader won't have to figure out who Claudia is later on.

"plight" of stairs? :-)

"The tree was dancing their awkward waltz, blowing heavy wind, making David quiver." - You've got "their" referring to just one tree. Also, I think you may have meant "blowing in the heavy wind".

"ears" in the last paragraph should be singular.

You've done a fine job. Keep up the good writing!


Home / Writing Feedback / Running away - essay writing