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The rush exchange information is monopolized by media nowadays


akhfan 5 / 9 3  
Feb 20, 2015   #1
The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

The rush exchange information is monopolized by media nowadays. Illustrious people are exposed to public regularly although some people argue that media should focus on spreading of common people instead. I firmly believe that media have more advantages if they report ordinary people rather than expose outstanding people. This is because common people provide rewarding of moral values and tangible condition of human whereas the news of famous people provides more hedonism lifestyle recently.

Blowing up ordinary people as an object of news brings viewer to realize moral value. This can educate citizens because ordinary people especially who live under poverty line create the sense of gratefulness. For instance, a youngster in South-Eastern Africa, William Kamkwanba, inspired other children in his village because he build a series of windmills to generate electricity and attracted the attention of media. As a result, many teenagers were inspired to learn science. From this case, moral value like the way of person to deliver aid can be emerged.

On the other hand, the news of outstanding people supplies luxury, redundancy, and comfortable zone which cause our citizen following their hedonism lifestyle. It is evidence that most of famous lifestyles influence the viewers to follow their manner like using well-know branded product as en extravagant activity. Consequently, the citizen is created as a hedonism person.

In conclusion, reporting ordinary people shows positive impact to improve the sense of moral value like gratefulness. Where possible,the media should provide the information in balance position to expose famous or ordinary people.

Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Feb 20, 2015   #2
In conclusion, reporting ordinary people shows positive impact to improve the sense of moral value like gratefulness. Where possible,the media should provide the information in balance position to expose famous or ordinary people. Your opinion is missing!

hedonism lifestyle. a hedonistic lifestyle
On the other hand, the news of outstanding people supplies luxury, redundancy, and comfortable zone which cause our citizen following their hedonism lifestyle. It is evidence that most of famous lifestyles influence the viewers to follow their manner like using well-know branded product as en extravagant activity. Consequently, the citizen is created as a hedonism person.

One more example would be helpful!
I firmly believe that media have more advantages if they report ordinary people rather than expose outstanding people. This is because common people provide rewarding of moral values and tangible condition of human whereas the news of famous people provides more hedonism lifestyle recently. This sentence seems a little bit clumsy! opinion must always be in the last sentence!
fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 21, 2015   #3
Hi Akhfan,
Allow me to give comments and suggestion for your writing.
Overall, your writing is good whereas I have found several grammatical errors in your essay.

Grammatical Errors :

people are exposed to public regularly

I am afraid that public is not appropriate with this sentence. I suggest you to give an article to the word if the vocabulary has already mentioned beforehand. Alternatively, you can change it becoming : the general public . I think it will be much clearer on your sentence.

believe that media have

I think that you should put an article for media. So it should be the media in this sentence.

ordinary people rather thanexpose outstanding people

it should be : exposing

Blowing up ordinary people

This is uncommon, I suggest you to find the sentence out first and thus to know how to use the word in a sentence.

an object of news brings viewer to realize moral value

you need an article here or make it plural.

because he build a series of windmills

Subject Verb agreement , it should be he builds

like the way of person

it should be = the way of a person or the way of people or the way of persons.

that most of famous lifestyles influence the viewers to follow their manner like using well-know branded product as en extravagant activity

Firstly, I think this sentence is not easy to read. Secondly, I utterly believe that you get the wrong end of the stick inasmuch as you have written well-known. I thinks it should be "well-known" if you want to make it as an adjective.

FLOWS AND IDEAS.

Although your introductory paragraph is quite good to express your thesis statement, I strongly believe that you can get a better score in IELTS writing if you can make your introductory paragraph much clearer by expanding your main idea in your thesis statement. Furthermore, I think that your hook and the next sentence is not coherence.

I hope in the next comment, I can give an example of introductory paragraph.
looking forward to your feedback on my comments.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.


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