The first 2 sentences in your restatement paragraph do not reflect a version of the original. Rather, it is an unwarranted personal opinion that will affect your TA score negatively. If the info is not part of the original prompt, it will cause scaring deductions due to improper topic representation. This is a comprehension evil.
social point of view,
This is not the same as a cultural point of view. Refer instead to traditional beliefs. This highlights improper LR usage and lack of English comprehension skills.
this message has both advantages and disadvantages.
Refer directly to you topics for the A/D paragraphs. Don't just repeat the discussion instruction. Create a basis for it in relation to comprehension needs in the score.
On the one hand,
On the other hand,
Use direct references to the discussion to establish the correct paragraph target in relation to cohesivenesss and clarity. for example:
Par. 2 - A noticeable advantage is...
Par. 3 - However, this may also be deemed a disadvantage owing to ...That is the type of paragraph cohesion and cohrence that you should be aiming for in this essay.
In the conclusion you failed to refer back to the cultural belief in relation to the summarized reasons which, are not clearly related to the original prompt. This is another presentation error. This is actually one of the main negatives in your presentation. You refer to social pressure, which is a totally different topic from cultural beliefs. I doubt this essay will pass due to the prompt deviation.