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It is said that children are able to get their goals if they try their best to do it


Trinh Mera 1 / -  
Jun 12, 2021   #1
I have never taken any IELTS exam before. Plz drop comments into my essay. Many

Topic:
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

What are the advantages and disavantages of giving children this message?



In our life, the target of each person is totally different. However, the predominant factors are how your effort is and how long you maintain your perseverance. From the social point of view, it is said that children are able to get their goals if they try their best to do it. From my point of view, this message has both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, this message is like encouragement to boost our motivation. It is crucial to keep a good motivation during doing any plans because it will decide your perseverance to success. The more effort you invest, the earlier target you complete. For instance, in Viet Nam, the university entrance exam is crucial and miserably to come over. To get the chance to pass this exam, the students must have a long plan and try to practice it every day within the high school year. The students who are patient in following their aim having a higher success rate than others who give up their choice.

On the other hand, this opinion has some disadvantages for children, especially teenager's thinking. It is accepted that you could complete your plans if you try hard enough, but it does not mean that you could not achieve your goals because you are an indolent person and lack effort. It is not true thinking. When a person makes an effort to do something, it is dramatically miracle. The adult should give him encouragement and good comments instead of focussing on his result. It is dangerous if children or teenagers have a negative understanding of this message. In recent decades, many suicides in this age involve wrong thinking of many reasons, especially not disappointing results. Although they spent hourly to repair for exams, they failed. As a result, they lost their mind. Finally, they opted for dead before releasing the value of their effort.

In conclusion, the best way to achieve your goal is based on your determination. No pain no gain. Both adults and children should understand carefully the negative and positive effects that are mentioned in this essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4773  
Jun 13, 2021   #2
The first 2 sentences in your restatement paragraph do not reflect a version of the original. Rather, it is an unwarranted personal opinion that will affect your TA score negatively. If the info is not part of the original prompt, it will cause scaring deductions due to improper topic representation. This is a comprehension evil.

social point of view,

This is not the same as a cultural point of view. Refer instead to traditional beliefs. This highlights improper LR usage and lack of English comprehension skills.

this message has both advantages and disadvantages.

Refer directly to you topics for the A/D paragraphs. Don't just repeat the discussion instruction. Create a basis for it in relation to comprehension needs in the score.

On the one hand,

On the other hand,

Use direct references to the discussion to establish the correct paragraph target in relation to cohesivenesss and clarity. for example:

Par. 2 - A noticeable advantage is...
Par. 3 - However, this may also be deemed a disadvantage owing to ...


That is the type of paragraph cohesion and cohrence that you should be aiming for in this essay.

In the conclusion you failed to refer back to the cultural belief in relation to the summarized reasons which, are not clearly related to the original prompt. This is another presentation error. This is actually one of the main negatives in your presentation. You refer to social pressure, which is a totally different topic from cultural beliefs. I doubt this essay will pass due to the prompt deviation.


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