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It is said that in the civilized world, animal-based products are not in high demand anymore


tinnguye00218 1 / 1  
Sep 16, 2020   #1

IELTS TASK 2 - TOPIC ANIMALS



Topic: in the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicine and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?

At no time can the immense value of animals be denied due to their potential merits. However, it is said that in the civilized world, animal-based products, including food, medicine, and clothing are not highly demanding anymore. From my perspective, I strongly lean towards this viewpoint.

In terms of its nutritious value, animals based products are thought to be inferior to vegetables. Obviously, consuming excessive amounts of pork or beef meat leads to serious diseases. Indeed, those who consuming animals' meat are more likely to suffer from obesity than vegetarians. Furthermore, there are alternative products processed from plants, which can replace animals' meat. Taking protein into consideration, protein can be absorbed from a variety of beans or margarine. More interestingly, females have a tendency on keeping fit these days. As a result, fewer and fewer people would opt for meant in their diet.

Apropos of the medical and clothing field, employing animal-based products has witnessed a dramatic decrease because of humanitarianism. Specifically, it is believed that medical tests on white mice should be demolished and suggestions on alternative plant-based medicines received an eminent concurrence. Also, poaching animals illegally for their furs to make a coat or blanket is stringently punished. This is mainly because those actions result in the extinction of endangered animals.

In conclusion, although animal products used to be highly demanding in terms of food, medicine, and clothing, they are now made a place for plant-based products due to the aforementioned reasons

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,752 3084  
Sep 17, 2020   #2
The essay has 244/500 words. You are short on the required word count so word count penalties will be applied. It won't be a large penalty but, it is still marked enough to have a serious effect on your final overall score.

Your first sentence in the paraphrase section is not informative of the original prompt. You need to use only information provided to you from the original. So you cannot use an opinion that is not based on the provided data. You also did not paraphrase the original keywords animals, food, medicine, and clothing. Other references could have been creatures or mammals (animals), sustenance (food), prescription drugs (medicine), apparel (clothes). A simple agreement with the statement would have sufficed since this is not an extent essay.

You are not careful with the way you use words. You did not bother to spellcheck visually for errors. "Meant in their diet" obviously refers to "meat". Was it a spelling error or a mistaken word usage? Regardless, expect errors like that to result in LR deduction.

Apropos? Really? You are trying to impress the examiner with "big" words that do not fit the natural sound sought for this discussion. You did not even use the word in the right context. Do not use complicated words just because it "sounds" right for the sentence. That usually turns out to be wrong. You will score better using everyday English words in the right way, rather than using archaic English words, which make the meaning of the sentence sound forced and unnatural.

Your conclusion is incorrect. This is a run on that does not help to review and summarize the content in a manner that will serve as a helpful reminder to the reader. That is called a reverse paraphrase. Without it, your conclusion is just a run on disaster that will further lower your GRA score.
OP tinnguye00218 1 / 1  
Sep 17, 2020   #3
I highly appreciate your rigorous feedback. I will keep those in mind when writing.Because I have started approaching IELTS writing and learning it by myself, I do not have enough research for the requirement in the length. Moreover, I am not a native English speaker, so I have much difficulty in using the right word in the correct way. I would be grateful if you could suggest me the websites or the books that guide me how to use the word in the right context. Thank you for your time and contribution!


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