Hi all,
This is my 2nd post and i hope i will be getting feedback from fellow forumer as i am preparing for my upcoming IELTS test.
Many young people nowadays graduate from schools with negative attitude. Why do you think this happens? What can be done to solve or reduce this problem?
In the present age, education has becoming more important and available. In line with this, the number of school graduates is increasing as well. Recent research suggested that many young people graduated from schools tend to display negative attitudes including selfishness, self-conceit, passive and lack of socializing skill. This essay will discuss the potential causes and provide remediation to this issue.
The nature of competitiveness in school coupled with parents' higher expectation has mounting the pressure on students. Students are tailored to endeavor solely on academic excellence and often being compared to their peers. Despite the healthy competition in term of academic achievement, such mentality has negative repercussion on the personal attitudes. For instance, unwillingness to share reading materials with others in order to obtain top rank in class would certainly develop into selfishness. In addition, academic focused student tend be passive due to lack of outdoor exposure and engagement in social activities.
Every cloud has a silver lining and this does applies in preventing students from developing negative attitudes at school. Academic oriented school should emphasize extra-curriculum activities for their students through the inception of after school clubs such as the toastmasters club, sports club and charity club. By engaging in these activities, positive value particularly teamwork and communication skill can be instilled among the students.
To sum it up, negative attitudes possess by graduates is ensuing from over academic oriented study environment. It is hoped that the obsession of being the top of class can be balanced with healthy activities that would produce graduate with positive characteristics.
Hi there,
In the present age, education has becoming more important and available. ( has become ). (how about " Education is being more and more emphasised in today society? "
This essay will discuss the potential causes and provide remediation to this issue. I think your use of the word "remediation" here is inappropriate. I checked this word by using my Oxford Dictionary, but there's no precise explanation for this, but anyway I think remediation is like remedy which means dealing with an unpleasant/difficult situation and there is someone who are compensated for suffering the impacts of this problem. Just a kind reminder that in the IELTS writing test, if you are not sure about any uncommon vocabulary, DO NOT use it, you dont impress the examiner if you use it wrong. That's just what in my mind.
The nature of competitiveness in school coupled with parents' higher expectation has mounting the pressure on students. ( has mounted or are mounting. I dont think you had a right choice of word here though "mounting" )
For instance, unwillingness to share reading materials with others in order to obtain top rank in class would certainly develop into selfishness. ( lol, I used to be one of these people who are talking about, it is certainly selfishness already, it was a good example to be honest. In IELTS writing it is suggested that there should be at least an example and examiners like examples)
...academic focused students tend be passive ... (how about incurious)
Every cloud has a silver lining and this does applies in preventing students from developing negative attitudes at school. (I think you should revise your vocabulary use here).
Academic oriented school should emphasize extra-curriculum activities for their students through the inception of after school clubs such as the toastmasters club, sports club and charity club. By engaging in these activities, positive value particularly teamwork and communication skill can be instilled among the students. ( I love this idea :D )
To sum it up, negative attitudes possessed by graduates is ensuinged from over academic oriented study environment.
It is hoped that the obsession of being the top of the class can should be balanced with healthy activities that would produce graduates with positive characteristics.
It was an interesting topic that you picked and you have had a good essay to answer the topic. keep up with the good work. I've learnt a lot from your writing.
Again, please be careful with your choice of vocabulary, I dont say that you should hesitate to try using uncommon words but I kindly advise you that you should use them in a correct way.
Best of luck.
Yes, that verb tense needs to change...
has become
or
is becoming
Either is okay...
A common expression is like this:
in terms of... ---- Use the s
:-)
Your English is great!!!
i am not really in a place to estimate a score for it but i do think at least you would gain 7 or 7.5.
i would appreciate it if you could take look at my essay
