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[Toefl] School with low-budget should cut P.E classes or art and music courses?


phanhblue2007 2 / 2 1  
Jun 18, 2016   #1
Hi. Please give me some advice on my essay :) Thanks in advance!

When schools do not have enough funding or teachers, some people think physical education classes should be cut, while others believe that courses in art and music should be eliminated first. Which do you think is preferable, and why?

While some people argue that schools with a lack of funding or teachers should eliminate physical education classes from their curriculum, others believe that courses in art and music should be excluded first. As far as I am concerned, the second group's point is preferable for these following reasons.

To begin with, an individual can acquire a great deal of knowledge about art and music from our everyday life, since they play an essential role in our society. In other words, one do not necessarily need art and music courses in order to grasp the basic knowledge of them. On the other hand, physical education and sports need teachers, coaches and equipment which can only be found in schools. For instance, if kids were to practice exercises or play sports on their own, they could seriously get hurt. However, in a physical education class, they can be corrected and thus avoid injury. Indeed, eliminating physical education classes would not be a reasonable option concerning young students' welfare.

What's more, physical education and sports bring about a plenty of important life lessons for youngsters. It teaches them teamwork and how to achieve a certain goal, which could come in handy in their future. Moreover, it boosts one's self-esteem. For instance, if you can achieve something in sports or a fitness goal, then you naturally have the confidence that you could achieve any goals you set. Clearly, this is a very rewarding and exciting process.

Last but not least, through sports students could go to prestigious colleges, as there are more scholarships available to athletes than to artists. Two acquaintances of mine, for instance, got themselves scholarships to college through participating in school's Olympic sports team . As we can see, cutting physical education classes is bound to result in the loss of opportunities to attend colleges, which could be many students' desire.

Essentially, there are some good reasons why schools with low budget should keep physical education classes instead of art and music courses. As mentioned,P.E equips students with extremely important life lessons and for some individuals, it plays a major role in earning a scholarship to college. Besides, without physical education classes, students' welfare cannot be guaranteed. It would be a mistake to exclude such a vital subject from school's curriculum.

able_Person 5 / 9 5  
Jun 18, 2016   #2
Hi phanhblue2007, here are some of my comments. Hope it will help you:)

While some people argue that schools with a lack oflimited funding or teachers should ...
As far as I am concerned, the second group's point is preferable for these following reasons.I am in favor of the latter argument for the following reasons.

... one do not necessarily need art and music courses in order to grasp the basic knowledge of them. what don't you give a more specific example to support your idea here? I think it will make your point more convincing. For example, students can enhance their abilities of appreciating music by listening to the musical channel.

... or play sports on their own, they could seriously get hurtsuffer serious injuries . However, in a physical education class, they can be correctedthose risky behaviors can be prevented by the teachers and thus avoid injury. Indeed, eliminating physical education classes wouldwill not be a reasonable option ...

What's more, physical education and sports bring about a plenty of important life lessons for youngsters.Your sentence is good. I simply make a suggestion here. The lessons youngsters learned from the physical education and sports are very important.

Moreover, it boosts one's self-esteem.Achievements in sports can give students a great sense of proud.

Cheers:)
Lahfah Afifah 1 / 1  
Jun 18, 2016   #3
Hello! Welcome to essayforum. To begin, i want to remind you about the rules in this forum. You must give comments if you want to upload your essay. Your comment should more than three sentences. If you make meaningless comments you will be kicked from this forum. Be aware! Here few correction from me:

...one do not necessarily need art and music courses...
= ...it does not necessarily need art and music courses...

Keep spirit!;)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 29, 2016   #4
Hi Phuong, I hope the corrections below are helpful and even more so, useful to your revision.

- group's point is preferable
- fordue these following reasons.

- since theythis will play an essential
- knowledge of themthe subject .
- theythis can be
- corrected and thusprevented to avoid injury.

- young students' welfare. - an apostrophe is not needed for the word "students"

Phuong, as you can see, there's not much to correct in your essay, however, for future writing reference, carefully select your words, this matters a lot in your writing, when you have the right words to associate in your essay, the ideas you want to impart to your readers will flow easily. Furthermore, simple words as well as daily conversational words are what you need in order to sed your message across your readers. I hope to review more of your writing projects soon.


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