Unanswered [16] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

[IELTS] Schools are no longer necessary because of the Internet... Agree or disagree?


YuAnne 3 / 6 1  
Jul 18, 2017   #1
Some people believe that schools are no longer necessary, because students can get so much information through the Internet, and study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

necessity of attending schools



It is ture that online courses and resources play an important role in modern education. Some people think that it is unnecessary for students to study at school, since they can stay at home and find study materials on the Internet. Personally, I tend to disagree with this opinion.

First of all, well-experienced teachers can never be replaced by artificial intelligence. They know more about how to select beneficial materials for students and provide organized courses. They talk to students face to face in the classroom, so that they can find different questions of every student and figure them out accordingly. Besides, teachers can offer more help to their students in addition to the study. It is much easier to go through the hard time with their encouragement.

School education provides opportunity for students to meet their peers as well, which is very important to their growth. In the school, young children can develop friendship with students from different families. They learn to cooperate with each other, respect everyone in the class and be tolerant in a non-virtue way. If they stay at home, they may hardly communicate with others, and become too shy or self-centered to make friends in their life.

We have to admit that it is relatively convinient to study online. Students can easily get access to knowledge and information available, and take online course which allow them to study at any time they want. However, this new approach can be an assistant of traditional school education, but not to take the place of it. Students can be well-educated only with the tutorial from their teachers and communication with their classmates.

Overall, it is necessary for students to go to school and attend their class, while they can still gain knowledge through the Internet.

Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Jul 18, 2017   #2
Zhou, I am not sure if you proof read your work before turning it in. You are using the term "ture", which does not refer to an English word. Rather, that word is of Danish origin and means "to party on." Please ensure that you proof read your essays prior to submission because the wrong use of terms will result in a marked down vocabulary score on your part. When you state your opinion, use the exact key word from the original statement. Your opinion should have indicated; "I disagree with this opinion to a certain extent, based on several reasons." Also, since this is an opinion essay, you must take ownership of all the statements that you make in it. Therefore, instead of saying "We have to admit...", the proper presentation would be "I have to admit..." There is no "we" in an opinion statement, only an "Me, myself, and I".

While your reasoning paragraphs are good, the concluding portion, that should be summarizing the presented discussion and reiterating your opinion is not functioning a such. It is merely indicating a singular sentence of additional information. Since new information cannot be presented as a concluding statement, you will get an additional scoring down for that mistake under the task accuracy portion.

This is a good effort at writing an essay. I suggest that you continue to practice and further develop the method by which you write your opening statement and conclusions based upon my aforementioned suggestions. It will surely help to increase your score in the end.
OP YuAnne 3 / 6 1  
Jul 19, 2017   #3
@Holt

Thank you very much for your suggestion!! Also, I feel sorry for the stupid spelling mistake in the first paragraph.

I've tried to improve the opening statement and the conclusion, and I wonder if they become better than before:

It is true that online courses and resources play an important role in modern education. Some people think that it is unnecessary for students to study at school, since they can stay at home and find study materials on the Internet. Personally, I strongly disagree with the opinion that schools are no longer necessary for several reasons.

...

Overall, my view is that it is necessary for students to go to school and attend their class, while they can still gain new information through the Internet. In the school, students can learn knowledge more effectively with certain help from educators and improve their social skills, which are difficult to achieve by studying at home.


Thanks again!
tunglinh0907 8 / 18 3  
Jul 19, 2017   #4
Hello YuAnne, Your essay is good, you wrote it with topic sentences, which made your essay clear.
I think it would be better if you wrote with longer conclusions. And para 4 should be included with second para or third para.


Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Schools are no longer necessary because of the Internet... Agree or disagree?