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Essay: Schools problems with student behavior.


merurino 1 / 2  
Oct 10, 2013   #1
Topic: In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this and what solutions can you suggest?

Answer:
Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays, in Brazil the cause is related to home environment, teacher's lack of will to teach and specially to government policies. Kids are protected from their mistakes until adulthood, making them unprepared adults for working properly.

In Brazil, the school policies allow the students to advance to next grade even if they weren't good enough. This happens because the government is not willing to spend more money than it should into these students, allowing a bigger share of unprepared students. Sometimes students leave fundamental school not knowing the basics of writing and reading, being able just to write and read their own names. The government does this because when a student leaves fundamental school it's considered as an alphabetized student, decreasing the analphabetism rate of the country.

Furthermore, the students don't respect the teachers as they should, they're protected from their mistakes, for example, if a student until the fourth grade made a mistake on a test, the teacher is not allowed to show the student that the answer was wrong, because the government imposed that this will make the student feel demoralized among others in the classroom. If some student is disrespectful to a teacher and receives back a severe feedback there's a big chance that the teacher will receive a complain from the student's parents.

Today's parents are product of this faulty learning system, and the learning system is one of the most important aspects of a country, this said I believe that the solution would be a policy reformulation, forcing schools to be more rigid with non automatic grade approval and increasing the money investment on learning material and teacher training, allowing only really prepared students to graduate.
tayleeb - / 19  
Oct 10, 2013   #2
There are a lot of run-on sentences in the essay:

Furthermore, the students don't respect the teachers as they should, they're protected from their mistakes, for example, if a student until the fourth grade made a mistake on a test, the teacher is not allowed to show the student that the answer was wrong, because the government imposed that this will make the student feel demoralized among others in the classroom.

"Furthermore, the students don't respect the teachers as they should. They're protected from their mistakes. For example, if a student, up until the fourth grade, made a mistake on a test, the teacher is not allowed to show the student that the answer was wrong. The government imposed this (rule? law?) saying that this will make the student feel demoralized among others in the classroom."

Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays, in Brazil the cause is related to home environment, teacher's lack of will to teach and specially to government policies.

"Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays. In Brazil, the cause is related to home environment, the teachers' lack of will to teach, and especially government policies."

You could even cut out the first part, or edit it, because the reader knows that inadequate student behavior is an issue-that's what the prompt is about!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you're not a native English speaker, you should make sure you get somebody to proofread it for English mistakes, like the placement of some words, or general grammar rules. Other than that, you should make sure you elaborate on the second part of the prompt, about what solutions you can suggest.

This is a great start though! You've got your outline--now you've just got to flesh it out!
OP merurino 1 / 2  
Oct 10, 2013   #3
tayleeb, thank you very much for your feedback, this is my first time receiving feedback from someone that really understands English.

As you pointed out, English is not my first language. I am very good at listening but talking is hard for me and writing is my Achilles' heel.

This was my first essay and I'm aiming to an IELTS certification in the future. Here where I live is not very easy to find people with good knowledge in English so, I believe I'll not be able to find someone to proofread my texts that easily, do you have any online recommendations?

Besides that I have a problem with grammatical rules, even in my native language I cannot understand some rules, I simply know that I shouldn't write something this or that way. Since I've never studied English at English schools, what I know was learned by playing games and mostly watching movies/series in English, I really like the language, but I don't have this "grammar/collocation good sense" as good as I have in my native language (and probably I'll never going to). Do you have any recommendations on how someone like me can get this knowledge? Reading maybe? Do you have some author to point out?

Thank you again, I'm very happy to have a feedback from someone that understands English for real =-)
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Oct 11, 2013   #4
Hi,
First I have a request for you - You need to post your IELTS essays into the Writing Feedback forum. Also, it is better if you mention the purpose, i.e. IELTS, in the topic (Subject) so that others know that you need feedbacks relating to IELTS tasks.

Topic: In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this and what solutions can you suggest?

Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays, in Brazil the cause is related to home environment, teacher's lack of will to teach and specially to government policies.

... Your topic is open to many countries in the world. So do not narrow it down to Brazil in the introduction. You can do that later in the examples of your body paragraphs. Always keep an alignment with your topic.


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