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[IELTS] schools should only teach children the academic subject


Kelly219 2 / 4 1  
Apr 30, 2014   #1
Topic: school should teach children the academic subje cts which have a close relationship with their future careers, so other subjects like music and sports are not important.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
People have many different views about what subjects should be taught in school. Although I accept that students have to study many subjects in school, I disagree with the idea that unimportant subjects such as music and sports should be got rid of the program.

Many people believe that students only need to study academic subjects like mathematics, physics because these subject are necessary for students' future. This is understandable when labor market now has high competition; students have to meet requirements regard of qualification. In addition, the unemployment rate is always high, so their parents want children to study these subjects which can help students have a job.

Although those above reasons are acceptable, I would argue that there are many things much more important than having a job. Firstly, studying music, art or sports is also very important to students. This enables students to develop their potentials through discovering the natural world around them. Secondly, to get a job in labor market, not only do students require hard skills but also soft skills such as teamwork, presentation. For instance, through taking part in a sport, students can understand team spirit and learn lessons about teamwork skills. Therefore, these subjects might fulfil the students' ability. Finally, children's future do not depend heavily on the academic subjects they study in school, it is the result of their efforts and capacity

In conclusion, although the academic subjects play a primary role in nurturing children, it seem to me that the effects of learning music, sports are profound.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 30, 2014   #2
, I disagree with the idea that unimportant subjects such as music and sports should be got rid of the program.

It is important that you state your opinion very clearly before concluding your intro. This line lacks clarity and needs improvement with its presentation. It is not very clear whether you disagree with the statement or not. :(

Many people believe that students only need to study academic subjects like mathematics, physics because these subject are necessary for students' future.

This you already once said in the introduction and hence there is no need to repeat the same in the body paras.
OP Kelly219 2 / 4 1  
Apr 30, 2014   #3
if i rewrite this sentence: "Although I accept that students have to study many subjects in school, I believe that the unimportant subjects like music and sports have importance as much as academic subjects". What do you think?

and "On the one hand, I accept that students need to study academic subjects like mathematics, physics because these subject are necessary for students' future"
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Apr 30, 2014   #4
Hei kelly219,

First of all, i suggest you to leave a space in every paragraph because this layout needs more work to read.

Many Some people believe that students only need to study academic subjects likesuch as mathematics and physics because these subjects are necessary for students' future to improve students' intelligence.

In addition, the unemployment rate is always high, so their parents want children to study these subjects which can help students have a job.

make it simple and clear sentence.
Some parents argue that formal education can help their children to get a job and to avoid idleness.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Apr 30, 2014   #5
i suggest you to show the difference of each paragraph by put the space,
if you do not show the space between paragraphs, the examiner will assume that you wrote without paragraphing
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 13, 2014   #6
Let me give you simple advice as to how your writing could be marked higher: When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.


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