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Writing Feedback Posts: 2

IELTS 2: In many schools and universities, girls tend to choose art subjects and boys choose science

huyenltt 1 / -  
Mar 11, 2019   #1

what students decide to learn and why

It is common that school girls usually enroll art classes and boys attend science classes at schools. In my opinion, there are two main reasons for this trend and it should be changed.

There are two dominant factors lead to this tendency. The first reason is the gender specific personalities. For example, it is believed that women are usually better at appreciating the aesthetic qualities of works of arts than men, so they apt to choose art classes. Differently, the portrayal of men is usually logical and good at analyzing or calculating, so the science classes such as math and physics may be fit them better. The second reason is the traditional thought. This tendency may stem from students being provided with the information that a gender could only excel at one field and not the others. For instance, boys hesitate to learn arts, languages... because they are bombarded with the traditional perception that it is out of their depth.

Personally, I think this trend should be changed. Students should choose the subjects they enjoy, and pursuit what they desire. For example, in the history, many men artists are successful such as Van Gog, Beethoven... because of their persistence. Additionally, students have liberty and gender equality, so it is crucial for them to express their talent themselves by enrolling the suitable classes.

In conclusion, I am persuaded that natural gender characteristics have effect on the major students deciding to learn. However, the tendency that art classes for girls and science classes for boys should be a vital alteration.

julggo44 - / 2  
Mar 13, 2019   #2
hey, I have some advices may be helpful for you !
u use some inappropriate words and expressions like "dominant factors" ( use major/ main instead) or "I am persuaded that " ( let change to "I agree" might more sensible)

"... qualities of works of arts" ( avoid using double "of")
"Differently, the portrayal of men ..." u shouldn't use " differently" to begin the sentence.

In addition, I see a lot of single sentences that u can extent to make your essay much more interesting

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