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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Scientists tell us that some activities are good for health and others are bad

hamimi2412 1 / -  
Nov 17, 2020   #1

the changing opinion about a healthy lifestyle

Nowadays, there is an increase in unhealthy habits although scientists encourage a healthy lifestyle. There are some factors leading to this, and effective measures should be produced soon to tackle this issue.

On the one hand, doing detrimental activities were caused by several main reasons. The first reason, with the fast pace of life and competition on job opportunities, people tend to spend more time at workplaces. As a result, they have to remain unhealthy habits such as consuming fast food to saving time, which leads to increasing the risk of certain health problems like obesity and heart diseases. The second reason, modern life with technical devices make people be addicted to watching TV, playing computer games, and surfing the Internet. For example, at the weekend people often prefer to stay at home instead of hanging out, which leads to a sedentary lifestyle.

On the other hand, there are numerously feasible steps that could be used to address this issue. Firstly, it is necessary for investing in outdoor facilities such as gardening and walking paths. Because it can encourage people to participate in regular exercises and boosting a healthy lifestyle. Secondly, by setting rules of working hours, the government could restrict people from taking a great deal of time on jobs. This means that people will have time to take care of themselves and making healthier food choices.

In conclusion, unhealthy habits are getting more popular because of some reasons, and there should be several appropriate solutions for this problem.
Ian0800 2 / 2  
Nov 18, 2020   #2
Hello, here is my suggestion to you essay.
I think you shouldn't put "on the other hand" at the beginning of your second paragraph. On this other hand is used to introduce a statement that contrasts with a previous statement

And I think you probably have to state your reasons why unhealthy habits are getting more popular in your conclusion.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,686 3495  
Nov 18, 2020   #3
You can further improve the prompt restatement by making proper reference, using your own words, to the scientific basis of the discussion. That is missing in your presentation and could be seen as a reason to reduce your TA score. You also need to clearly state the discussion topics you will be presenting, two reasons and 2 solutions for discussion over 2 reasoning paragraphs.

Using numerical ordinals in your presentation will not help you increase your TA score. It also results in an under developed topic discussion. Your presentation lacks cohesiveness and coherence due to the lack of connecting statement or sentence between the two topics. Learn how to use transitional sentences when writing cause and effect essays that require 2 topics per paragraph presentation. That is the best way to increase both your GRA and C&C score.

Your concluding summary is incorrect. It should contain at least 40 words, depicting the topic, causes, and solutions, prior to your closing statement. All you have is a run on sentence that does not appropriately reflect the previous discussion. This can affect your TA score even further.

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