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Seeking early independence from parents - TOEFL


DK23 1 / 1  
May 10, 2019   #1
Topic
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Faster transition to adulthood



Essay:
In my view, young adults should live with their families for a longer time. Family is the most important part of any person's life. There are many advantages of staying with parents.

First, The main advantage of staying with parents is they teach a child good social and cultural values. When we are with family, we can celebrate the festivals and holidays and we can learn their importance in our lives. If we are staying with our family, we need not have to think about basic needs such as food, laundry, grocery etc. Thus, When there is a ample of time available to children, they can concentrate more on the studies or the work they are doing and it helps them to achieve success in the respective fields. I have a friend who decided to stay independently from his family after high school. It was very difficult for him to manage his bills and school togather. He had to study during the day and work during the evening to survive. However, he learned how to be self dependent but his study grades were declined as compared to high school. Another example, I have seen a video on youtube title "With mom and without mom". It showed lots of difference in our life with and withour mother in one's life. One of that is when a girl was sick, she had to order soup from outside and had to sleep in that condition. On the contrary with mom around, she got homemade soup and her mother gave her medicine and she recovered fast. Thus, Staying with family is a better option.

Second, The other advantage of staying with family is that, whenever we are in a situation from which we can not think of a way out, we have alway someone who can guide us the proper way to handle the situation. The person who stays independently doesnt have this advantage of elderly guidance. For example, one student in my class was staying alone with his few friends separate from his parents. He used to get monthly expences from his parents but due to independence he was more inclined towards roaming, going to movies and his grades were affected badly. Sometimes personal problems also affect the most when a person is alone. Having someone as a guiding star is alway beneficial.

Thus, As per my opinion young adults should not think of independence from their parents very soon in their life. They should think of staying alone when they have a proper place in their life and in their career such that they can afford their own expenses. Though staying with the family will always have advantage having good moral responsibilities and having a problem solver throughout the life. So. Young adults should prefer to live with their families for a longer time.

Maria [Contributor] - / 262 131  
May 10, 2019   #2
@DK23
1. Transitioning your sentences does not mean that you necessarily need to have repetitive transition words. Instead, opting for an organic transition method (ie. letting it flow as it naturally should) would go a long way.

2. It would be beneficial if you could omit using unnecessary details that are irrelevant to the in-depth understanding of the overall content of the essay. Doing this will create a more straightforward approach to writing that is certainly preferred in the long-run.

3. Try to be more creative with your sentence construction. Consistency is also key to technical writing. If you are consistent with your form, it would benefit your essay because you will have more concentration on delving deep into the thoughts of your essay rather than having to deal with complex structures.

4. Watch out for your capitalization, punctuation, and insertion of filler words.

Let's try to look at your essay in certain points.

If we take into account the second paragraph, I would recommend that you try to revising it (and the others - but with emphasis on this portion) according to these aforementioned comments. It is important that you try to have more hold over substantiated content rather than just filling out the essay with information without having proper organization techniques.

For instance, let's revise this portion as:

Firstly, a main advantage of staying with parents is that they teach children social and cultural values.* When we are with the family, we celebrate festivals and holidays; this lets us learn the importance of familial ties. This also lets us not worry about basic necessities like food, laundries, and groceries. Because there is generally more free time for children, they can concentrate more on studying and working. This will help them become successful. [...]

*It is unnecessary to say that they are good social and cultural values because good is synonymous to values inherently. Learn these techniques to shorten your structures.

Just keep these in mind as you are revising. When you find that you have sentences that can be divided into two different portions, opt to separate to have more structure.

Best of luck!
OP DK23 1 / 1  
May 10, 2019   #3
@Maria
Thanks a lot for your comments. Will try to incormporate it.


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