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Several countries permit under-age children to work

kiki23 37 / 64 4  
Oct 22, 2016   #1
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Several countries permit under-age children to work. This statement create the presence of two critical thinking, some assume it is as an unacceptable choice and the rest think it is as a beneficial experience.

Even tough the under-age children should not be engaged further as a labour considered by their mental health that is not yet ready to work, I am more likely to stand that children still should be introduced to work life so they can think wider and perform wiser.

As they are still young, the under-age children should not be involved in paid work. Some people assumed it is as an unacceptable choice since their mental health can be broken by doing activities that really not fit into them. Research conducted in 2012 by Committee on the Rights of the Child as one of the United Nations body for children showed as much as 35 percent of children engaged to paid work becomes mentally disturbed and ill-tempered. However, the percentage of the impact of paid work to children mental health presented by Committee on the Rights of the Child only represents the condition in some developing countries where children is more likely to consider to work than study.

In contrast to the first statement, children who study and take part time job will be well-prepared as an adult rather than children who take one of it. The rest of society believe that children experiencing both study and work will think wider and perform wiser when they are mature. A current survey conducted by Australian Government towards this issue showed more than 63 percent of the employees having working experience when they are young are more productive and creative to solve problem in work and friendlier to their partner in workplace. By this fact, it is clear that the children who study and are introduced to work early will be well-prepared to face working life as an adult.

To sum up, children engaged in paid work has not only the advantage impact that is they will face work life better since they know the work system early but also the drawback as they will easily get ill-tempered considered by their mental health that not yet ready to work.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,571 2486  
Oct 22, 2016   #2
Alrisky, if I were the examiner reviewing your written exam, I would be scoring this as a 4. While the essay is well written and presents coherent ideas. The main problem with the essay is that it did not cover all of the prompt requirements. You successfully argued both sides of the issue but, you failed to build a discussion regarding your personal opinion on the given prompt. If you will review the prompt, you will notice that you were expected to provide specific information in each paragraph:

Paragraph 1 - Overview of the prompt and a statement of your opinion.
Paragraph 2 - Supporting discussion with evidence.
Paragraph 3 - Opposing discussion with evidence.
Paragraph 4 - Your personal opinion as an expanded discussion
Paragraph 5 - Conclusion

Your grammar use lacks complexity so that also affected the final score that I believe, could be given to your essay. Don't let this review tear you down though. I know that you will continue to show improvement over the coming days and your score will improve alongside it.
Bekuk22 15 / 21 3  
Oct 22, 2016   #3
Hello there,,
let me give some corrections for your writing,

Here are my Corrections :
1. This statement create(creates) the presence of two
2. some assume it is as (as) an unacceptable choice ...
3. children should not be engaged further as a labour(labor)considered
4.creative to solve problem( the problem) in work and friendlier to their partner in workplace(the workplace)

may some corrections are useful for your writing..
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Oct 22, 2016   #4
Hi risky, as I review your essay it is very easy to understand that every person has their own opinion,I say this because it has been 6 essays that I have reviewed and most of them are of different opinions, some would be on the positive and some are on the negative side. Now, of course in every writing that you have, all you have to do is be very objective towards the answer to the prompt, this way you will have a neutral side of the essay.

Now, as I go through the essay, I must say, I don't see major enhancement needed in the essay, however, in proofreading, there a few corrections that can be done to strengthen the essay, this are minor ones such as your comma, linking verbs, verb tenses and a few word forms that are very easy to change and correct.

Overall, it was a well versed essay, the presentation however can also be enhanced, you can merge the first and second paragraph and leave the rest of the essay as it is, this will give you 3 solid paragraphs to work with and this will also enhance the appearance of the essay and the ease of reading.

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