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Several people argue that a part of secondary school programs should be a social job for free

Masrurotin 1 / 1  
Oct 8, 2019   #1
Help me to get 7 band score

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children)

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Social Community (IELST Task 2)

Several people argue that a part of secondary school programs should be input social job for free because it will teach them about social interaction and how to appreciate life. I totally agree that it is good as obligation to apply in extracurricular for demonstrating what workplace look like is.

To do voluntary activity will bring good effects for teenagers. It gives them more experiences to interact with community and makes them understand about real life which is not always easily to be through. For example, my niece participated charity effort during summer holiday when she was senior high school. Initially, she had no responsibility and did not care about common situation because their parent was often indulging her, after following this event she became more responsible and had sympathy as well as empathy to others.

In addition, educating young generation to be involved in citizen lead them to be more sensitive in their surrounding. They learn that helping other is not always to be awarded by money. Charity programs such as working improving local circumstance, teaching younger pupils, helping elderly people provide the participants not only new knowledge and skills, but also a sense of community and giving information about job market experience requirement. This way, school does not merely give theory but practical lesson also is applied.

To sum up, there are more beneficial of participating in community service as a part of school programs because it provides many acknowledge about social life, helping people, as well as workplace situation.

athachng2002 3 / 5 7  
Oct 9, 2019   #2
Hi @Masrurotin,

The first question I want to ask:" Do you think your sentences are way too long?" I mean, you can shorten it and make it more easy to understand, without including too much unnecessary information. Let take your 1st argument as an example. I'll write:" It gives them the opportunity to interact with the community and hence adopt a sense of real life."

Secondly, your ideas are kind of vague and too broad, so I don't think I can distinguish between the 2 benefits you mentioned. Try to be more specific and straightforward.

Lastly, examples. The first one is rather too long, just paraphrase it and add more supporting sentences. That would be more persuasive.

Don't worry, these mistakes are supposedly easy to be fixed, so keep on working more and be open to feedback. Oh, you also should read to band descriptors to know how your essays are marked, and then you know what aspects you need to improve.

Good luck with your journey!
OP Masrurotin 1 / 1  
Oct 10, 2019   #3
thank you for correction my essay, i hope i would be better

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